𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒. matthew gray gubler

↳ xvi. it's always been you

xvi. it's always been you
—LOLA NOVAK

[🪐]

       OF COURSE MATTHEW GOT
upset. I would be too, from the way we'd been spending time together. I pretended like the moments we had meant nothing to me, even when they did. They meant everything to me. But I couldn't even tell him that—I couldn't get any closer, because I was so scared. I was scared of Matthew leaving me in the dust once he found out how much of a hassle I was to date.

So I pushed him away. And I saw that look on his face—he was jealous, and I'd be an idiot not to realize it.

I just wished he'd stop caring. Because even despite all of this, Matthew still worried about me, worried that I wasn't being safe while going out. And he was right—the guy I met at the bar last night could've been anyone. I could've put myself in danger, thinking I was just going to have a hookup.

Matthew was so goddamn perfect, while I was just...me. I was so flawed in comparison to him, so much more unloved, and a lot more immature.

It was a few days after that incident, and Matthew and I haven't spoken a word since. We ignored each other at work, sometimes accidentally meeting each other's gazes, although Matthew was always the first to look away. 

It killed me, seeing how cold he could be. And at this point, I missed that feeling of being in his arms so much, that I was willing to do anything for him to give me one hug.

"You've been down lately, Lola. What's up?" AJ asked me, turning from her vanity and raising her eyebrow.

"Nothing." I grunted, sighing heavily and standing up. "I don't want to go to this party." I said, gazing at myself in the mirror.

We were shooting JJ's wedding scene today, and usually when we do little parties on the show we actually do them in real life. That meant everyone had to dress up and have some fun for the night as they filmed.

I was wearing a dark green cocktail dress—it was a little too short for my length legs, but I didn't have a better dress to wear. It had a cowl-neckline, and was made of this shiny silk material that was super comfortable.

"You look really good, though. It'd be a waste for Matthew to not see you." AJ cooed, and I tried to smile. I guess she didn't notice we hadn't been talking for the past couple of days.

"Does he like me, AJ?" I asked her, putting my hair in a low bun and pulling some strands out.

"It's pretty obvious." AJ laughed, "he's talked about you since the day you joined."

My heart warmed, and I smiled sadly. "That long, huh?"

"Yeah. He got nervous." AJ said, "and that says something, because Matthew could give less of a shit with anybody else."

I chuckled, feeling my heart wrench. I merely nodded, thinking about why someone like him could get nervous over me. I still had yet to understand it all.

"Ready to go?" AJ asked me with a smile.

"Yup."

[🪐]

       THE "ROSSI" MANSION WAS
packed with crew and cast members alike. After they shot the wedding and BAU scenes, everyone was free to do whatever the hell they wanted to. I stayed inside, only watching from the window with Parker, since I didn't really feel like having eye-sex with Matthew tonight.