Irresistible

10 ×Heartbreak and Headaches×

Heartbreak and Headaches

I felt a searing pain in my head as I opened my eyes, slowly becoming aware of the bright world around me. I was disoriented for a few minutes when my last memories came back to me. The gunshot, Adam yelling. I shot up in my bed, ignoring the sharp pain and dizziness.

"Adam," I cried out.

"Hey hey hey, take it easy Beatrice," whispered a deep silky voice. I let my eyes focus to see a pair of gray eyes staring back at me and I felt tears well up in my eyes as I threw my arms around Adam's neck.

"What happened? Are you okay? I heard the gunshot and you screamed and I was so worried about you," I said in a rushed voice.

He held me and kissed my forehead and I felt this sense of relief that he was here.

"I'm okay baby. You shouldn't be worried about me when you're the one in a hospital bed," he said softly.

"What happened to Alex? Did you call the cops? Did he get arrested? What about Benjamin," I asked frantically. His face dropped to look down at my hands as he held them in his, his thumb running across the end of my fingernail.

"Benjamin is in the hospital. He was shot but he'll recover soon. And Alex… shot himself after he hit you. It happened so quickly, and I couldn't stop him," he said weakly, not meeting my eyes. I could hear the pain in his voice and I knew that even though something had happened between the two in the past, they were brothers and Adam still cared about him.

"So he's…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence. I felt my heart shatter as Adam silently nodded and for a moment, I felt frozen in shock. Then as the realization sank in, I cried while Adam held me.

This was twisted. It was Adam's brother, not mine, but then again, I'd spent four years with him, laughing with him, smiling with him, arguing with him, and making memories with him and now, I was crying over him.

I wanted so badly to turn back time, to go back to our perfect moments of happiness in the apartment, to hear him laugh or see him smile again. A part of me wishes that we had never come here. If we hadn't of come here, maybe he'd still be alive, and our relationship would still be blissful and perfect. I knew that in the end he went off the deep end, and things weren't working between us, but a part of me still loved him.

I couldn't bring myself to fully regret coming here though. Then I wouldn't have met Adam, and no matter how much I would want to go back to my happy days with Alex, I didn't want to lose the feeling that Adam gave me. The openness, the elation, the feeling of belonging and security. I just wish that I hadn't lost Alex. That WE hadn't lost Alex.

×××

A week had passed since Alex died and my light concussion was okay enough that they released me from the hospital. I laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling, feeling numb and empty. My black sundress fanned out around me and I hadn't changed since the funeral the day before. I hadn't moved, or eaten and I'd only used the bathroom once. I knew that it was probably unhealthy, but I couldn't bring myself to get up.

The day after Alex died, the cops informed us that he had been drug dealing for years and they'd been trying to track him down but he hadn't been using that long, although he did have a history for it. They questioned the whole family, and none of us knew anything about it.

I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to push that memory away. That's not how I wanted to remember him. When I thought of him, I wanted his optimism and cheerfulness to come to mind, not his addiction and suicide. But it was hard. I couldn't imagine what his family was going through at this time.

Benjamin was in a wheelchair for several weeks and Anne was distraught with everything that had happened. Apparently she hasn't been talking to anyone other than Benjamin and I felt my heartache for her. I couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child, and I didn't want to.

There was a knock on my door and I turned my head to look at the locked knob. The door rattled and Adam's voice came through the door.

"Beatrice. Please open the door. I think that maybe you should come out. Get something to eat. I made dinner," he coaxed unsuccessfully. I turned my head back to look at the ceiling and felt a single tear slide down my cheek.

I wanted, whatever this feeling, was to stop. It was like I empty yet so full of pain at the same time and I hated it. I wanted to go home and walk through the apartment door and find Alex sleeping peacefully in the bed. I wanted to climb in next to him and wrap his arm around me, whispering that he loved me.

At that thought, silent sobs racked my body and I realized that Adam's footsteps were fading away before I let the tears flow over. I made a strangled noise as I turned over and curled into a helpless ball, wanting nothing more than to sink into the mattress and earth and disappear forever. It hurt more than I would have ever imagined. What made it worse was that my parents death was closer to the surface.

I never got to say goodbye to any of the people I loved before they left this earth. I never got to make things right with any of them and none of them would tell me that they loved me one last time, there weren't any one-last-hugs. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, then pushed back in, only to be ripped out once more and the pain was so unbearable I couldn't breathe.

The door opened and Adam pocketed a set of keys as he walked inside. He came closer and when I heard his footsteps stop, I turned over the other way.

"Get out," I said weakly, my voice breaking on two little words. I felt the bed dip beside me and he pulled me into his lap. I wasn't sure what it was, but something about this action reminded me of Alex and I snapped.

"Get out," I repeated in a stronger voice.

"I'm not leaving you like this," he replied softly. I felt all my control break and before I could comprehend what I was doing, I was pushing, hitting, and shoving on his chest, desperate to get away from him.

"I said get out Adam! Get out, get out. Get. Out," I yelled as the tears streamed down my face. My inappropriate and unnecessary reaction only caused him to tighten his hold on me, pulling me closer to him.

"I'm never letting you go, Beatrice. Please just let me hold you," he said softly. I looked up when I heard his voice crack and for the first time, I saw Adam cry. The tears fell freely from his eyes and I felt my heart ache for a different reason. I was trying to push him away, when Adam was just as, if not more, broken than I was.

I felt regret and empathy wash over me as I wrapped arms around his neck and he buried his face in the crook of my shoulder. My bipolar moment was forgotten and I sat there, cradling his head and letting the tears fall silently.

"I should've stopped him, I should've done something," he said suddenly. I tried to swallow but the lump in my throat made it next to impossible. I pulled back, gripping his face in my hands as I forced him to look at me.

"It wasn't your fault Adam. There was nothing you could've done to stop it. It wasn't yours or anybody's fault." Except mine, I added silently. If I had stayed with him and let him explain, none of this would have happened. We would be home by now, and I would be helping him pack our things to start a new chapter.

His hands gripped the dress at my sides and he leaned his forehead against mine as the tears kept a steady stream down his face. I hated that he blamed himself for this. If anything, he should be blaming me. I couldn't stand to look at the broken man in front of me that my heart was longing to protect from the dangers of this world and I knew that some things would slip through my fingers and crush him.

I wanted nothing more than to see Adam's smile again, the one that he gave only to me, and I wanted that in a world where Alex still existed.

I leaned down and kissed his tear soaked, salty lips, and he pulled me back so that we lay side by side on the bed. He kissed my forehead and I easily drifted into slumber, but not before hearing ten whispered words that made my dreams rise to the surface of my mind.

"I think that I'm in love with you, Beatrice Scott."