A Price Above Rubies

Chapter Fourteen

Hilal was mad at her parents for the first year after their deaths. It was an illogical, irrational anger and one of the few things she and Yildiz had in common and bonded over. During her entire pregnancy with Acelya, Hilal wanted her mother, wanted her advice, her comfort, her wisdom that all the things she was feeling physically and emotionally were normal. 

Was it normal to feel nauseous all day and not just in the mornings like she'd thought? 

Was it normal to want to cry because a bird had stolen another bird's bread by the water? 

Was it normal to throw a bowl of soup over Leon's head because he'd left one of his socks on the floor of the bathroom? 

Was it normal to not want Leon to touch her one moment and then want him with such an intensity that she was sneaking into his office at the paper, having him ravish her at all manner of indecent hours of the day and even outside in the park hidden away behind some trees because she couldn't wait for them to get home! (that one still makes her blush beet red when he even hints at that time)

Hilal had always been closer to her father but during her pregnancy she'd wanted her mother and Azize hadn't been there. 

She remembered when they believed her father had died the first time. Her mother had been lost. Utterly lost without her husband. Azize's inner strength had only been strong enough for the most basic of survival but the light had gone out of her mother. Their family had been fractured, broken. It had gotten to the point where in a fit of desperation Azize had turned to her husband's best friend Tevfik to help her family somehow right itself again. 

Tevfik. That traitorous bastard. "I never liked him," Leon tells her later. 

When Cevdet returned very much alive wearing a Greek uniform, Hilal is ashamed to admit now that she'd thought her mother was weak to not hate her husband more and fight harder to cut them out of their lives. 

Now, with Leon, Hilal understands. She understands her mother's inability to tear Cevdet out of her heart.

Hilal was angry with her mother for going to the firing wall with her father, for not leaving her children with at least one parent.

Now, with Leon, Hilal understands. 

Hilal loves her children with a love that she never imagined existed, a bone deep, ingrained love where she knows that she would gladly give up her life for Acelya or Yorgo without the slightest hesitation.

But the love she has for Leon is a completely different animal. She cannot imagine her sense of self, the thing that makes her herself and no one else, surviving if something happens to Leon. Maybe her mother was stronger than she is after all because the first time, Azize tried. The second time, when Cevdet knew he would have to give up his life for the plan to work that would win them the war, that second time Azize knew she would not survive life without the man she loved. 

If her mother had felt even one shred for her father of what Hilal feels for Leon, Hilal now understands. 

She watches Acelya and Yorgo coming up the street with Yildiz. She's tried to compose herself after the shock of Leon's letter to not show anything not only to her children, but to hide it from Yildiz as well. 

Yorgo is jumping over every line separating the squares on the sidewalk and Acelya is in deep conversation with her aunt who is laughing. I love you both, Hilal thinks. I love you both with every cell in my body, yet that part of her that was made into being somewhere beyond human awareness, that was created somewhere where souls are born belongs to Leon and she knows if she lost Leon (dear God, keep him safe) she would cease to be. 

If Leon were to die...just the thought freezes Hilal inside and the world around her flickers out in a void, even her children, (does that make her a bad mother, she wonders, with a beat of shame) for a brief second. If it is Allah's will that Leon dies in the attempt to save his brother, then Hilal will do everything in her power to be the last face he sees before he leaves this world. If he will die, Hilal vows, her beloved will not die alone, he will die in her arms and she will follow him. To his heaven? To hers? It makes no difference to her. 

Yes, now Hilal understands. 

"Ahmet stopped us from getting robbed this morning. Some new hoodlum who doesn't know about Yakup's friendship with Azat. That boy broke the man's nose. I let out such a scream when he came up asking to borrow a new shirt when he proudly announces, proudly, Hilal! that the blood wasn't his," Yildiz informs her. 

Hilal groans. She wants so much more for young Ahmet but the boy is in his element with Yakup at that tavern. 

"Are you alright?" Yildiz asks, Hilal, helping Acelya load a new Josephine Baker record into the record player. "You look slightly peaked." 

Hilal nods quickly, turning away from her sister before Yildiz can look too quickly. She scans the living room. Where did she put Leon's letter? Her sweater. She'd had the cardigan on and slipped the letter in the pocket and later taken it off and put it...where? 

"Auntie says we can keep this one cause Uncle Yakup accidentally got two by mistake. Isn't that awesome?" Acelya says. She grabs her skirt as soon as Josephine's voice fills the room. "Oh, Mama, I think she has the prettiest voice." She starts spinning and swaying around the room. She picks up the record jacket and hugs it before holding it up and looking at the cover. "And I think she looks so beautiful. I don't care if Fazey calls her a monkey!" 

That jolts Hilal out of her search for her sweater. "What did you just say?" Hilal asks horrified. 

Acelya stops twirling, worry on her face as she understands Hilal is suddenly angry, but doesn't comprehend why. Of course she doesn't. Her child is so sweetly innocent, she could never understand such vile adult evil. Even little Fazey is only repeating what she's undoubtedly heard her parents say. 

"You know… cause she a negro…" Acelya explains softly, her face red. 

"Hilal, it's not that big a deal. The child is just repe-" Yildiz says but Hilal cuts her off.

"I don't ever want you to call any black person by that horrible name again. Do you understand?" Hilal says, trying to remain calm. 

Acelya looks on the verge of tears. "I din' say it...F..F..Fazey d..did." 

Hilal kneels down and cups her cheeks. "I know, sweetheart." She kisses both her little girl's cheeks, catching the tears before they can fall. "Mama's not mad at you. I promise. I'm proud that you don't use that horrible name. Mama's very proud. Next time Fazey uses it I want you to promise you'll tell her it's not nice. Can you do that?"

"Oh I promise," Acelya nods quickly, smiling.

Yorgo rushes in then, wearing Hilal's sweater over his head like a hood. 

"Oh goodness!" Yildiz exclaims as he runs around her. 

"Yorgo!" Hilal says rushing after him trying to catch him and get the letter that's in the pocket.

"Mama! I'm going to be a hero and save everybody just like grandpa!" Yorgo shouts exuberantly running around. 

"Stop running this instant, Yorg-"

"What is this?" Yildiz asks from behind her. She has Leon's letter in her hand. It must have fallen out of the pocket as Yorgo ran around. 

"Yildiz, wait! Don't re-"

Hilal watches her sister's face go stark white as she quickly scans the letter and meets Hilal's face. 

"Ali Kemal?" Her sister's voice breaks around the name and in the next second, her body crumples on to the couch as she faints.