Longing for You

Chapter 4 : Space (revised)

Tay is spacing out again. It kind off getting more and more frequent lately as New looks at Tay who’s spacing out while looking at the road in front of him. The sounds of drizzling rain make the air in the car more lonely and quiet without their usual bickering. He feels unsatisfied with Tay not give him any attention and the space in the car feels so big that he feels that he cannot reach Tay although he is just at the passenger’s seat and he is at the driver’s seat.

“Tay, you are spacing out again. Tay! Tay! Are you listening to me?” New calls out for Tay loudly.

“Yes, I’m sorry I’m a bit tired”, Tay replies but New sees that his eyes that he is lying. He hates that, Tay never lie to him. He doesn’t hide anything from him. It is weird that after they went lunch together Tay seems lost and he never see Tay like this.

“Tay is there anything wrong?”, Tay looks at New open his mouth then he close and shake his head and smile.

“Sorry na. There is something that I need to think but I don’t think it really disturb me that much that I can’t hear you when you called me. Sorry na?” Tay pleads to New.

“It’s okay Tay but you always  overthinking. Just let things be. Sometimes follow the flow is the answer.” New answers Tay but his tone there are some unsatisfaction.

“Yeah. It is always you who clears me up. Thanks na. By the way what are we eating today?” Tay looks more animated and happy. New smiles for him and answers,

“Some fusion foods that are using all organic ingredients.” New replies.

Then, Tay's talks so fast about his preferences and everything about that he knows as he is happy hearing that they will eat foods made by organic ingredients and that makes New smiles.

"Maybe it is just my feelings that Tay is hiding something from me", New thought to himself.

After a while they arrived at their condominium building, that when Tay excuse himself first to get comfy and change before dinner arrive as he carries his overnight bag. New being left alone in his unit and feel the space between them again. This never happened before Tay usually comes here straight and they waited together. But New dismissed it as Tay did sleepover at Arm’s yesterday that he need to change into something more comfy and discards the dirty laundry in his bag.

After a while, there knocks on his door, he hurries and opens it and see Tay and their food. His looks tells how he is questioning on how Tay got his food. “There is a call for me to pick up my courier just now and the food delivery arrived at the same time when I’m at the lobby.” Tay explained as he enter New's place and New take half of the foods to serve for them while Tay do the other half.

After served all foods, they sit down and Tay is taking pictures for New for him to post as it is sponsored and to be reviewed. As they started eating, the usual New destroying food and Tay tired of scolding him not too and New escape by using his cute expression. As they eat they talk about what happened today as Tay being briefed about the ‘91 liner gang show. New been doing live event at certain brand that he endorsed. But even all the laughter and light talk about everything and nothing, New still feels that Tay is hiding something from him.

Their light talk ended abruptly when Tay suddenly asks, “Hin, if I’m gone what will you do?”

New is speechless and scared, then he tries to cover the feeling from showing and say, “Where are you going? You just going for shooting for three days. We still live in the same condominium building. What are you trying to say?”

“I mean if I gone for a long time. Will you miss me?”

“Yeah of course I will but what’s your point is? Is this one of your overthinking thoughts again? But whatever it's you will be back right.”

“Yeah right . I’m just overthinking towards the movie that I watched I guess.” Tay smiles and laughs awkwardly.

“Stop it now. Let’s just enjoy the moment. Don’t think about it okay.” As New moves forward across the table and holds Tay's face with both of his hand. “Smile please. Smile. Don’t think about it please. I can’t even imagine it.”

Tay can’t resist that pleading voice that he’s starting to smile widely for New. Then he say, “I also can’t imagine if you are gone.”

“Naaa...Now we should tidy this up and then we will watch some happy movie okay. Now move.” New pulled his hands and stands up and moves.

Tay and New start to gather up all the dishes to the sink to wash them. They even start to poke each other as they love to tease one another. Voices from the kitchen really sounds like they are no problems between them and no heavy issue being said just now. The issue that made New's heart dropped as he knew and believes that Tay never leave him and only death can makes them apart. He loves Tay so much that he doesn’t have the exact definition to label and settled with best friend that loves each other label. Sometimes that label is not enough but he can’t want to be more than that.

New stares at Tay's back as Tay offered that he wash all the dishes and told New go and pick the happy movie that he said.  Tay felt New's stared at him for a bit when he washed the dishes. He knew that New knows that he trying to avoid the subject, to be honest he doesn’t know how long he will able to keep it a secret and how to tell New. His inside being tearing apart as the feeling of guilt of not telling him. Then, Tay make up his mind and only will tell New if he got chosen to go. 

Tay finished up and make his way to the living room. He saw New pressing the remote repeatedly to choose movie at his smart TV. He plops himself beside him and ask, “So what are we going to watch. That happy movie of yours?”

“I still thinking of animations or a 90’s Hollywood movie. But I can’t make up my mind.” New replies.

“Okay. Say the movie that you want to recommend. The first one that you say we will watch it. Don’t think. One.... Two... Three...”

“Lion King!”

“Really? That’s not a happy, funny movie. Happy ending, yes ”

“But I want to watch it na na na..”

“Yeah. I’m okay with anything and it is also my favourite.”

As the movie play both of them sit comfortably, lean to each other with throw pillows and soft toys around them. They also shared a blanket together as the rain is getting heavier, the temperature drop gradually through the night.

As they watch the movie, Tay's mind again wanders as he see the Lion King's setting in the Africa reminds him of the decision that he made. The decision that he decided not telling New, the person who he will missed the most.

As Tay lost in his thoughts, New who’s beside him realise that Tay is spacing out again. He never spacing out like this before. There are so many questions that pop in his head. He hate the space that exist between him and Tay. He link his arm around Tay's but Tay are not giving any reaction and his eyes are not focus, then he put his head on Tay's shoulder. At that moment, Tay seems to startle then, he looks at New and smiles. New hate that smiles, it is not his favourite smile. The space is suffocating. He wants his Tay back, he will try to do it, as he got today until tomorrow before Tay is going for his shoot the next three days. He will lessen up the space.