DON'T BREAK THE RULES

Chapter 29 - Never Understand

"He's lying to you Joe, why can't you see that?"

"I promise you, he's not telling you the whole truth."

"Yes, I'm in love with you! That's why I want you back."

"Please, come stay with me. Just for a few days then."

"Alright, fine. I'm leaving; I'll come see you tomorrow."

Joe folded his arms, staring in the grey eyes of Connor who never seemed to express any colour to begin with—as much as Joe wanted to believe it, the love Connor had once felt for him was different, impure. There had been an unimaginable raw purity in their sentiments when they had first met, but at the moment, it seemed to be coming from a place of deceit.

Joe sighed—he had wanted his old love to rejuvenate, feel the arms of the shining knight that caressed him throughout the toughest of times. At one point, all he had wanted was to simply hear Connor's voice, and would call his numbers on burner phone's just to hear him say hello. However, the emotions he felt right this moment, were not as strong as they had been before.

He had never seen Connor's appearance be in such rough state; his disheveled hair only progressed to a worse state by how many times his fingers swiped through his black strands that had seen better days. The contortion in his features, as if it was the first time in his life he had lost something he wanted with all his heart.

But that was not enough to cover what had happened a few moments ago. As much as Joe wanted to return to his old life, Connor was not the same as he remembered. The evilness from his words as he blamed Jamie for murder, the accusations and wrongful convictions that he ascertained were true, had caused a distasteful feeling on Joe's tongue.

Joe lowered his gaze, staring at the patterned floor. They were outside Jamie's appartement for a moment of privacy and Joe was to decide whether he wanted to return to the life he had known, or continue the life he had recently started. Connor knew which option Joe was seconds from choosing, but he was hoping he could change Joe's mind, convince him that their love was rekindling and there was no reason to banish it this early.

"I know what you're thinking," Connor spoke, noticing Joe's ears perk. "Think it through for a second Joe," he scratched the side of his face, "regardless of what happened with Jamie...this...us...Jamie shouldn't matter with what is happening between us."

And he was making it all worse.

Joe snickered, finally raising his eyes to meet Connor's. "You'll never understand, Connor," he began quietly, noticing Connor's fingers tightly grip the side of his sweats. "You'll never understand what it feels like to roam the streets without a dollar in your hand. You'll never understand how it feels like to have my own grandmother label you as a failure. You'll never understand how it feels..." His nails gripped his own shirt, right above his heart, feeling the sudden ache again when he remembered that moment on the beach. Even his teeth gritted, the memories physically hurting him as he thought of it. "...to have the love of your life, tell you that he doesn't love you anymore and leave without any other explanation, left me to perish—!"

"I didn't leave y—"

"Just listen to me! For once, listen to what I'm saying, Connor!" Joe growled, his temper rising uncontrollably. He loved Connor, very much, but the behaviour he had seen today was enough for him to decide that he was not the right one, at least not anymore. "I was alone and barely surviving. I spent so many nights in the police station, I can count on one hand how many times I even slept in a bed. You never experienced any of those. But Jamie didn't care about these things..." His mind replayed the way Jamie had caressed him, falling asleep beside him. He had been mesmerized by the way his golden curls fell across his pillow, a few strands in front of his face, and how his lips were slightly parted, spreading a bit more whenever he inhaled while he slept.

"Maybe it was for his own reasons, but regardless, Jamie helped me. Yes he's super arrogant, very rude and had been disrespectful countless times, but he listened to my story. And he didn't care that I was basically nothing in society, he didn't care that I was a divorcee, and I was broke. He took me in."

There were a few seconds of silence for a moment, before Joe added, "And those are things you could never understand."