For years I've been told "you're so pretty", and "you're such a beautiful girl!"
I disagree, that's not me.
I look in the mirror and wonder, "who is that staring back at me?"
Mirrors surround me showing me a body I'm tired of seeing.
Every night screaming, crying, and clawing at my chest just trying to get rid of it.
I pretend during the day and when I'm talking to my friends.
I pretend that I'm patiently waiting for the years to pass so I can see the light at the end of the tunnel which is me changing my body to the one that I was supposed to have.
Day by day and night by night just waiting.
Waiting for my mom to finally break and tell my dad to stop calling me "Celyn", "she", and "daughter."
Just waiting for the day I can meet my boyfriends.
Ah yes, commenting on coming out videos about my 2 partners that make me happy.
Only to be called a wh*re and a sl*t for having 2 loving partners.
Words from them being nailed into my head for having 2 lovers aware of the others.
Words that cut down into my heart.
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?!?!
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN BORN A BOY AND NOT STUCK WITH THIS FEMALE BODY THAT MAKES ME THINK I'M A MONSTROSITY?!?!
Writing about my story in a journal that I keep hidden from the world in a drawer with no lock knowing sooner or later somebody will find it and wonder what it means.
I make desperate attempts to save myself from dysphoria with 3 hoodies and 2 sweaters on at the same time while saving my friends from their own feelings.
Making sure they're ok and not paying attention to myself. Watching my hair grow with no way to cut it without my dad scolding me.
I slowly go crazy every passing day knowing that my friends and lovers are not ok.
Not realizing how many meals I've skipped from anxiety and stress.
I sit on the couch every day trying to forget about my body.
Friends and cousins talking to me asking if I'm ok. I lie and say "I'm fine."
I'm Cody. A 13 year old boy with a girls body with 2 boyfriends and sibling like friends to keep me happy.
That's me, trying to stay happy and not end my story so early. I want to go on and I want to be happy but the words I've heard tell me I don't deserve it...
Hi, I'm Cody, and I'm trying my best, take care of yourself,
Get plenty of rest, make sure you eat, drink some water and take your meds.
Give yourself a break if you bind your chest.
Give yourself a pat on the back, you've made it this far.
Just keep going, it'll be alright.
See you at the end of the tunnel.
Goodnight...
