dear november

11.29.14

Dear November, 

I don't even know where to begin. Today was a little bit terrible and a little bit can you believe that happened and a little bit frustrating and a little bit confusing and a little bit I'm glad you're my friend and a little bit why is your brother crying?.

I found out, finally, why Dakota wasn't returning our calls and texts; he moved. That's why he wasn't here last Friday before break, that's why he left his rented saxophone in the music room before the weekend, that's why my calls went straight to voicemail and that's not it at all. So he just packed it up and left out of the blue? Well, there is something else that maybe makes the rest of this make sense, but it's something I can't say. 

A text from his grandma: he's in a really good place right now and very happy. I don't know what to think, or what to say and all I know is that one of my best friends is gone. 

And with all that on my mind, I recorded my audition for honor band. I was frustrated and confused but I finally played the solo well and maybe the tempo was off and maybe grace notes are impossible; maybe I finally lost my grip when I realized I was biking in the rain for an hour wearing soccer sweats and a shirt. And maybe I'll lose it if I get anything less than first chair, because it's all I've ever gotten. Someday I'm going to realize that people that have brought me up were exaggerating a little too much and it'll hurt, because I believed them entirely. There's some witty quote out there that says you can never take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive. There's a difference between taking something too seriously and wanting a solid relationship, and I do something along the lines of forgetting what separates them.

Sincerely, Esther

the I'm glad you're my friend part is due to spending some five and a half hours at my best friend's house, eating ice cream, watching anime, and scrolling through Pinterest. so is the why is your brother crying part.