The Diary of Whitley Barlow

Day #2

Today I woke up early and headed outside to the back porch. I just needed some alone time, before the creatures in this house stirred. I needed some space. I grabbed a cup of coffee in a large ceramic mug that read Sioux Falls in big bold letters. I haven't got the slightest clue where that is. Maybe we picked it up on vacation? Do we even do family vacations?

Elam slept on the couch last night in the living room. He said it didn't seem fitting since I didn't really know him. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't exactly ready to be in the same room with him.... alone. I am thankful that he is a kind man. Raiya on the other hand, refused to be anywhere but half under me all night long. She won't let me out of her sight. I think she is afraid that I will go away again, and that nearly breaks my heart for her. This baby needs me and that is terrifying. I don't know how to be a mother!

It was soooo hot in here last night, even with a fan in the window. Elam said that after work he would have Jude help put in the window unit air conditioners. He apologized over and over again this morning before leaving for work. I think he noticed the dark circle under my eyes from the lack of sleep and all this worry. His eyes kept searching my face. I know that he's trying to find "her", the woman he married. And I don't even know how to fix that.

She has to be in there somewhere... I mean she is me. We are one and the same. I just wish that some of the memories would come back. I wish that I could feel something that hasn't been constructed from pictures, or second hand stories. But I can't remember anything from before. It's like it has all been erased. The doctors have said that I am healing well, but they can't be certain of if, or when it really will all come back. From what I can tell, the  accident was pretty severe.

They tell me that I am lucky... lucky to even be alive. But I don't really know if this is luck or not, to wake up in the middle of someone's life. I was forced to step into someone else's shoes and it just feels like they are ill fitting. How do I belong here? How is this all that I have settled for?

Elam told me that I have no parents. They had both died when I was still in high school. I was left to be raised by my aunt, which he says was an alcoholic and never really treated me that well. He left it at that. He wouldnt elaborate. When we met, he said that I left with him. He was my escape. He shrugged when he said those words, and I couldn't really make out what he meant. He had what looked like pity in his eyes. Does he fill like I used him? Did I marry this man just to have a life of my own... free from whatever I was running from with this I'll tempered relative?

I can't make heads or tales of what I'm supposed to feel for him. I don't know him. But I can see love in his eyes. Elam wants to pull me close. I have watched him stop himself from reaching for my hand in several occasions. He just wants his wife back.

But I have all these questions. Was I truly in love with Elam Barlow? He's such a quite man. He is meek. How could I have been drawn to him? How did we meet? What was the one thing that made in click in my young heart and make me say okay, this is my next move? I desperately need those answers, but again Elam isn't here. He's gone for work.

He works at the local cabinet making factory. He is a foreman. He said that he makes decent money. But looking around this trailer, I'm not sure what decent consists of. The furniture is bare and mismatched. The curtains are thin and look as is they haven't been washed in months. Don't get me started on the carpet. I can't even go there. This place needs a major scrubbing. Maybe that is what I will get started on today.

I've got to do something. I cannot sit idly by and have these people just stare at me again all day. They are waiting for something, waiting for "her" to return to them. I cannot just sit here another moment. I need to do something to keep my mind occupied. I need to do something to just keep me busy and out of my own head. That really isn't helping because the harder I try to break this mental block, the stronger it seems to get.