The Diary of Whitley Barlow

Day #5

I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. Elam said that I was screaming. I must have woke him, for he was sleeping on the couch in the living room. But all I know is that when I came fully to he was sitting on the bedside with me cradling me in his arms, brushing my hair back and telling me over and over again that everything was going to be alright.

I was reliving the wreck. I couldn't get my seat belt off. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. But I could feel this heat and what I knew was flames inching closer to me. This is the first memory to come back to me. I still can't shake the fear that I felt. I knew that I wasn't going to make it. I knew that I was about to die. I screamed for Elam. I screamed for my babies.

I held Raiya tighter tonight. I couldn't put her down. It was like this dam burst inside of me. Elam crawled into bed next to me, and I let him. I clung to him. I don't want to be by myself again. I didn't want those images to return.

Elam told me that it was good thing. He assured me that if something had come through then the rest of my memories were bound to. But I don't know if I want them to.

He held me close. Every now and then he would brush my hair back out of my face and continue to rub a finger down my cheek until I finally drifted off to sleep. Before he left for work, he rose me and told me to call him if I needed anything.

Why couldn't I get a good memory? Why couldn't I have relived our first kiss or our wedding day? But no, I was thrown into complete chaos. I felt myself dying. How do you cope with that?

I've been up since Elam left. I cannot sleep. I have this heaviness on my chest. Im afraid to close my eyes again. I don't want to relive that day ever again.

Things could have been much worse. My children could have lost their mother. My husband could have lost his wife. I think this hit me for the first time today. I've been consumed with what I have lost, but for the first time I can see what they have gained, what they still have. I might not be "me" or have any idea what the even means, but I am still here. And I am so thankful for that, but especially for their sakes.