The Diary of Whitley Barlow

Day #3

       Today was Saturday. Elam finally had a day off work. It seems like that is all that he does. I can see that he is a hard worker though. He leaves so early every morning and gets in late every night. He has fallen asleep on the couch with Raiya snuggled up in his arms long before bed time every evening. Alexis told me it's their thing. She just got used to this schedule and now its like clock work. It's her nap time. I find it cute, but also convenient because it gives me a break from her. I'm still trying to get used to the idea of this motherhood thing.

The kids decided that it would be fun to go to the local fire works show, for the Fourth of July. Elam was hesitant. I can see his fear written in his eyes. He didn't want it to overwhelm me because there would be people there that I wouldn't recognize. But I said that I didn't mind because I was already living with strangers. He didn't think that was very funny.

It was nice just to get out of the house. This little town was charming. Main Street was blocked off and there was a carnival set up in the middle of town. Raiya loved the merry go round. We couldn't keep her off it. She's a handful. I wish that I could match her energy.

Jude and Alexis walked ahead of us. My son held to her arm and helped escort her down the uneven cobblestone road. I laughed a little at her waddle. She was miserable in the heat, but again she insisted that we stay and enjoy ourselves.

The baby will be here in three months. But she's already so big. Maybe it's because she's so young? I just can't help wondering what we are supposed to do with another baby in the house? I worry that these two are in for a very rude awakening. They are so young. How can they be prepared for this? Thankfully she's having a girl and I can pass down a lot of Raiya's things.

Jude works at the local supermarket. I'm sure that he isn't making enough to raise a child. Alexis is doing her classes from home so that she can still graduate on time. But she said that she is still determined to finish high school, even though she still has another year to go. I admire that in her. She's a fierce little thing that is for sure. But I can see that helping them in the long run.

Jude is doing right by her. And somehow I am proud of that. Elam said that we have raised him right, that he is taking responsibility for his actions. But I just wonder if I shouldn't have done more to prevent this? After all I was a teenage mother myself to Jude. But Elam assures me that it will all work out, after all look at us? We made it through it just fine. But did we? Is this all that we wanted out of our lives? I can't be so sure that this is all that I dreamed of.

What did I want for my future... our future as a family. I wish that I would have written before this accident so that I could know for myself what I wanted. I wish that I could read my own words, my own thoughts, my own voice. I feel like that is something that this accident has stolen from me. It's more than not carrying these memories or knowing the people that I am currently living with. I don't even know myself.

What are my hobbies? What do I do to pass the day other than cater to those around me? What am I good at? Where did I want to be in the next five years? There are just soooo many questions that I am struggling with. I need answers. But they just keep telling me that I need time, that it will all come back in time. It's only been a little over a week since I woke up in a hospital room. It's only been a matter of days since I have been home, but nothing has triggered my former memories yet. Not walking into the front door... not holding this wild child in my arms... not my son embracing me.

It's just not fair. I want to know who I am! I want to know these people in my house. I want to remember Judes first t-ball game or Raiya's first steps. I want to remember falling in love with Elam, and how our story unfolded. I want to know all they why's and the when's to my own life!!!

Oh.... Elam kissed me. We had pulled in for the night and the kids were already heading into the house. Jude had gotten Raiya out of her car seat. But Elam had come over to my side and opened the car door for me. As soon as I got out he pulled me into his arms. He whispered "I love you" into my ear and then instantly stepped back. He apologized. He looked as if he had done something wrong, those eyes always searching my face. He said it was old habit. But I didn't know what to do.

He misses me. And I feel so guilty. He is struggling and I can see it written all over his face. He has kept his distance until now, but I was surprised at how easily I leaned back into his embrace. For a moment it felt like my nature, it wasn't until he stepped away that I realized what had happened.

This man truly loves me. I can feel it, even if I can't remember what it was like before. I can see it in his eyes. I can see in it the way he treats me and reacts to me. I can see it in his restraint. There is a longing there that is as thick as this July night air. There is no denying that attraction. I am settled to know that my husband truly does love me. I just want to love them back