The Diary of Whitley Barlow

Day #4

This morning I woke up to a surprise. Elam had placed an easel, a large canvas and a bucket of a hundred shades of paint near our bedroom door. There was a note that read "You paint" messily scribbled across the neon scrap of paper. When I came into the living room, my husband told me plainly to just go down to the dock. I didn't even know that we lived near a body of water, but apparently our trailer park was near a boat accessramp. After an awkward few moments, hello brain trauma here, and further instruction, I headed in the direction that he indicated. He kept Raiya so that I could have some time to myself.

There was a shelter house set up near the water. A wide dock extended out where you could fish from either side. I made my way out to the end of the dock and set up my supplies.
I stood there for a few moments unsure of how to start. I finally decided to just give it a shot. I could not believe my eyes when I started creating what I could only describe as a master piece. The colors came alive on the canvas. I mixed different shades, created contrast and hues that I needed without a second thought. For a few moments I just allowed myself to get completely lost in it.

After what seemed like hours, I noticed Elam had made his way down to the dock, unbeknownst to me. He stood back and just watched me work. He never said a word. Every now and then he would throw a pebble into the water and watch it bounce across the surface. When he caught me looking he gave me that shy half smile. I think he was afraid I might fall in, which I never even considered until now. The accident still left me a little off balance.

Elam told me that I had studied art for a semester in college. I couldn't believe that. He also told me that we had moved. He'd lost his job and we had stayed in his parents basement for a while. That's why I hadn't finished. He told me that Jude was about the size of Raiya when I had enrolled. Elam said that I had wanted something of my own, something to fulfill me. I can completely understand why.

He blames himself for me not finishing school. He didn't say it, but I've been picking up on his cues. He shrugged those shoulders as of to say, "I tried" without saying a single word. He told me that he would give me the world if he could, things like that tug at my heart.

I pulled him in close. I couldn't help it. I was so thankful in that moment. He gave me the gift of a piece of who I was. I paint. I am a painter. That's a good first step. How did I ever deserve this man?

Later in the evening we went out for ice cream. Alexis was having a craving that needed fulfilled. Raiya made a complete mess but all Elam could do was laugh at her. I don't do well with sticky. I'm finding moments where the uncertainty isn't so scary, where I just let myself be and experience whatever comes next. But then there are moments when I just want to hide. I don't want to feel. I don't want to remember. I don't want to wonder anymore. I just don't know what I want anymore.