Quandary

Paroxysm

I nearly choked on the food in my mouth.

"So are you going to the prom today?" Questioned Braxton as he looked over to Barry.

"Nah I've got better things to do."

"Like what?" Scoffed Braxton.

"Like working on my dungeons and dragons campaign. Braxton and Hailey said they'd play it. So you're gonna play too once I finish it, right Don?"

I straightened my shoulders in reaction.

"Oh- yea- yeah."

The four us then went back to eating our food in silence. It was as if my nervous nature had made things awkward.

"Will you be going to the prom Don?" Spoke Hailey as she broke the silence.

Her familiar strawberry scent flew into my nose. I didn't want to go. I wanted more than anything to avoid the prom. But for some reason, I found myself answering differently. Maybe it was the way she was looking at me.

"Yeah. I'll be there."

Why did I say that...? I ate away at the rest of my lunch in silence. The three of them talked on and on like they were all the best of friends. I felt insignificant, like I was nothing. They seemed to have figures of immense proportions, looming over my cowardly body. The bell eventually rang, I walked away from the table and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

"Hey, what do you say we play a game after school?" Said Barry as he caught up with me.

"Ah, no thanks. I'm going to be busy this afternoon."

"Oh, okay. Well let me know if you're able to play in the future."

"Will do."

Why did I tell him I was busy? I didn't seem to be thinking right today. Knowing that today was the day of the prom made everything feel off. The very air I had known so well felt stagnant and without purpose. I walked home once school ended. I tried to admire the beautiful landscape around me, but something wouldn't let me. It was like everything I had ever done was flashing through my head. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to just clear it all away, but my actions stuck like glue. I remembered the day I hit the boy. The day I threw a punch for the first time. All I remembered was the rage that came from my actions. The disapproving looks of adults, the tears of the child, and the anger I felt. Wait... There was more to what happened... I remember now. It wasn't all hatred that followed. The kids cheered for me that day. The second my fist had hit the boy, they all had cheered in an uproar. Why did I forget that? Why did I only focus on the bad of the situation? All my past actions then came flooding in. My walk with the fake Hailey. My study sessions with Braxton. Braxton's study sessions with me. My conversation with Hailey in her room. Everything I've ever done has been coated in agony. But it wasn't that I actually did everything completely wrong. It was simply that I saw it as bad. Is that how people end up making regrets? Do they wish they had done something else when that choice may have not been as bad as they think? I guess I don't regret punching that kid. Ever since that day I've been holding back my anger. Don't get me wrong, I've been angry, but not to the degree I wish I could be. How do I stop myself from making any more regrets? Do I let my agony come out? I did my homework like any other day at my house, I studied like any other day, I ate a snack like any other day, it was all the same. I dipped another cracker in the hummus I had pulled out. Maybe I should play that game with Barry...

"Don't be ridiculous Don."

I nearly fell out of my chair from surprise. I turned around to face the fake Hailey.

"What do you mean?"

"You'll never be happy doing something like that. It will feel like a chore playing with Barry."