Why Kakashi should never read out loud! Collection of Naruto crack-fics

Why Tsunade should never face Pein

It had finally come, the day she had been dreading. The long awaited war with Akatsuki was about to reach its bloody climax. Before the gates of Konoha Tsunade stood proud and defiant, over two thousand of her ninja were behind her ready to give their lives for the village.

I front of her were a mere seven enemies, but these were no ordinary enemies. One was a woman with blue hair and a paper rose. The other six were the incarnations or Pein. Though vastly outnumbered their sheer power made them dangerous and a real threat to the village. She feared that whatever the outcome a lot of good people were going to die today.

"This is really dumb baachan!" Naruto told her. "Just leave everything to me and I'll crush them all for you!"

Tsunade could feel a vein in her forehead threatening to pop. "Damn it brat how many times have I told you not to call me that?"

Naruto grinned. "Don't know, I lost track a long time ago baachan."

Sakura grabbed a hold of him and began shaking him back and forth with just one arm. "Damn it Naruto show some respect!" You have no idea how scary she can be!

"While I agree Naruto could be a tad more civil he does have a point," Kakashi pointed out. "Even with all of here watching it's still dangerous to meet with him alone."

"I'm a Sannin Kakashi, I can handle myself," she told him.

"But you don't actually expect anything to come from this parlay do you? It's bound to be a trap." Kakashi said worriedly.

"I agree it probably is," Tsunade admitted.

"Then why?"

"Because as Hokage all of your lives are my responsibility. So long as there's any chance to avoid unneeded bloodshed I have to take it." With that Tsunade began to stride forward.

The 'true' Pein did the same. At a slow calm pace the leader of Akatsuki approached the Fifth Hokage. With both sides watching intently for any sign of betrayal the two enemies came face to face.

"It has been a long time Tsunade," Pein gave her a deep and respectful bow. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me."

"I don't expect this meeting to accomplish anything, but I'm willing to at least try to avoid an unnecessary battle."

"I too hope to avoid that," Pein said. "In the end my greatest dream is to bring the entire world peace."

"You have a damn strange way of showing it!" She snapped. "How many innocent lives have you and Akatsuki taken?"

"How many did Konoha take in Rain country and in other places?" Pein replied unperturbed. "If you wish to count the numbers of corpses Konoha's hands are far bloodier than mine."

She glared at him and his emotionless face. "You called for this parlay, tell me what you want."

"I want the same thing you do, to end this struggle without needless bloodshed." Pein told her.

"The only way that can be avoided now is by your surrender to me, I promise you will be well treated."

"Please do not waste my time with jokes Tsunade-sama."

"Well then what the hell do you propose?"

"That you and I settle the matter between the two of us. If you win I and my people will surrender to you without a qualm. If I win you must hand over the title and powers of Hokage to me."

Tsunade grinned and cracked her knuckles. "So you want to settle this with single combat between us?"

"Not exactly," Pein produced a deck of cards. "I propose we play one hand of poker to decide the matter."

She started at him in disbelief. "You want to play cards to settle the fate of Konoha?!"

"If you win I will also pay off all your gambling debts and provide you a lifetime supply of sake."

She stared at him once more. "Deal the cards; we're playing seven card stud."

XXXXXXXXXX

One Hour Later

A few of the Peins were already carving his face into the cliff side.

Tsunade and Shizune were both dressed in French maid outfits and were busy scrubbing the floor.

"How could you Lady Tsunade?" Shizune demanded. "How could you bet the future of the village on a hand of cards?!"

The former Hokage sighed. "You're right," she said sadly. "I should have shot craps for it."