Paper Houses |NH|

4:12 PM

"Of course I'm angry with myself, Niall!  For god sake, if my body would fucking work properly, we'd probably be happy.  We'd have our little family."

"And there's absolutely no reason why we still can't."

She shook her head at me.  "No, Niall, we can't.  Those dreams are over for me."

"Vada, no, baby, don't think like that," I whispered.

"You don't understand."  She looked away as she wiped away a tear.  "Niall, this isn't just about that.  It isn't just about losing our babies."

"Then what is it?  Tell me and I will do everything I can to fix it."

She shook her head at me again.  "It's not that simple, Niall."

"I know it's not that simple, Vada, but c'mon, we can beat anything as long as we do it together.  I know we can.  I know you still love me."

"Niall...I...I don't know who I am anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know who I am anymore.  I've lost who I am and I need time to find myself, again."

"Okay, take all the time you need.  I'll still be here for you.  I can still be your husband.  I can hold your hand while you find your way."

She shook her head at me, again.  "No, Niall, you can't.  A part of the reason why I'm lost is that I'm lost in you.  You have become so much of who I am that I have forgotten who I am.  I don't know if that makes much sense but this is something I need to do on my own.  And, I don't know how long it will take.  Or if I'll find myself again.  And there's no sense in making you wait around on something that may never happen.  You should be able to move on with your life and find someone who makes you happy."

"You make me happy.  No one else could ever make me happy."

She sighed, softly.  "I'm shifting, Niall.  I've realized that I am not the same person I used to be.  And I don't want to tolerate the things I used to tolerate.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of fighting you and I'm tired of fighting myself.  I have no peace inside of me right now and until I do I can't be your wife.  I can't be your anything."

"But, one day, you'll be fine again.  I know you will be and we can start over.  Fuck, let's just start over, Vada."  I did a 360° and put my hand out for her, "Hi, I'm Niall.  And I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

Her body slumped.  "Niall, you can't just do that and expect it to erase everything that's happened between us."

"I'm trying here, Vada.  What do I need to do to get you to see that this isn't the right thing?  I want you to be yourself but how is divorcing the person you love fixing anything?  How is running away fixing anything?  I mean, you just spent the last several hours yelling at me about how me running from our problems didn't solve them.  How is what you're doing right now any different?"

"I don't know if it is, Niall.  But that's the thing, I don't know if it will but I won't know anything until I step out there on my own.  And that's what I need right now.  I need to be on my own.  I don't know if there's a right way to leave but I know I waited too long; I waited too long for something to change.  I didn't want this to be hard; I didn't want to make so much noise.  I wanted to leave quietly, gently, calmly, but you kept – you keep – fighting me.  I don't want to leave you with your hand outstretched begging for me to return.  I want you to let me go."

I looked at her and noticed for the first time how small and fragile she looked.  She used to be the strongest person I knew and the last two years had just about broken her into a million pieces.  And I was being selfish.  I didn't want to think about my life without her but I never stopped to think about her life with me still in it.  She was grasping on to the edges she had slipped off of and I was the one pulling her down. 

She looked at me, pleading with me to let her go.  I looked at her and my heart broke with the realization that she was leaving and she wasn't changing her mind.