Blue's Book Reviews and Graphics

Book Review: Exiled by @chickenmonC

I hope this review is helpful and can help you improve your story.

Exiled by chickenmonC

Cover (9/10)

I love the cover and it's beautiful. That's all I have to say. However, I don't see how the cover relays it is a werewolf story. If anyone stumbles upon it, the first thing in their head won't be "werewolf". Other than that, I am guessing the cover is a main character. The cover certainly grabs attention, but maybe write on the cover that it is a werewolf story?

Description (7/10)

In the description, I am unable to understand the plot. I can understand the character plot aspect, but I cannot determine the physical plot. It is well written I must say. You should make the description match the quality of your story. I know writing descriptions can be overwhelming and difficult, but if you ever need help, I'll be happy to help.

Plot N/A

Since I've only read the prologues, there really isn't any plot yet. It is only a set-up towards the plot. However, I really loved how you've set up the characters for the upcoming chapters. I especially loved Atlas's opening with the scene where he completely obliterates the Alpha. (You can ask for another review when you've released the rest of the chapters and I will review it again. Prologues don't really give anything to the plot. They are basically set-ups.)

Extra Note: I noticed you used the numbers 0-5. This isn't grammatically correct, so you may want to change the numbers to their word forms.

Characters (8/10)

The characters are wonderful.

Atlas: I love how you represented his feeling of betrayal when his mother did not believe in him. He didn't really care for what the crowd said, but he cared what his mother thought. I love how you've created him to be a strong-minded character. However, since in this chapter it was his first shift, you might want to show him miserably losing before he wins the fight to make it more realistic. Make him suffer before giving him a cake. This way, the scene is way more intense and interesting. I sort of expected him to win, but if you create a scene where he is on the brink of death, I would have to re-think my prediction and it would keep me on the edge of my chair. You'll want to create much more tension in the scene. Other than that, I love Atlas's character.

Athena: I haven't seen enough of Athena in her prologue. I can see that she is clever in a battle, fights for justice, and hates cheaters, and she has a sort of a bad*** character. I can't detect anything other than that. I love what you have shown me of her so far.

Extra Note: I love the way you craft action scenes. It is entrancing and action-packed.

Ares: I love how you introduced Ares at a weak point. I cannot say much for him as I haven't seen enough, but you've shown that he has weaknesses. These days in fiction, men are usually shown as perfect and without weaknesses and are salvation to female characters. They are the weakness-fixers for women. (This is just what I've noticed. I mean no offense). I love how you've broken that stereotype in his introduction.

Subplot N/A

Same as the plot. Since there are only prologues, there is no plot or subplot properly in place yet, so I cannot review something that is not there. Feel free to ask me to review it again once you've released three chapters of the story.

Things I Noticed (Grammatically)

I noticed there were a few paragraphs that did not flow properly. You consider using more paragraph breaks to separate ideas. You could also improve word choice and sentence flow in some parts. There are a few typos and a little too many adverbs (merely, simply, rarely/words that end in -ly), but other than that, everything was grammatically correct. (Except the numbers. That is an easy fix though). You mixed up your and you're once.

For example: the first paragraph of Atlas's prologue.

"For you acts of treason," Alpha Ryde announces to the crowd, "I banish you from my pack, and I declare you a rogue." Hate drips from every word he says--waves of hate creating an aura around him. Him towering over me while he stands on his podium does not help me not quiver in fear. But somehow, I manage to stay standing.

The temptation to throw him is overwhelming. I can imagine him falling down and embarrassing himself in front of everyone.

The red pack mark vanishes from my leg and is replaced with an ugly black brand. The symbol of the pack is gone, and now, with every passing second, I am becoming foreign to everyone I used to know. I am turning into a rogue, and it tears my soul.

A round of applause echoes in my ears. They are dull, but I can hear. I can hear everything they say. I can hear their insults and their taunts and their wishes for me to die.

I don't want to accept it, but this is my reality.

I don't know, I am not an author. (I got a little help from @Navy-Knight825).  Feel free to use it if you like. This way, there is more tension and emotion. There are little pauses you take in your head when there is a paragraph break and it creates more heat.

Vibe (9/10)

I really liked the vibe I got. Straight off the bat, you jumped into a scene. Now I want to know what did Atlas do to get banished? Is he the Alpha now? You've created an entrancing aura that I want to read more, know more, and become a character in your book. From the first chapter/prologue, you've grabbed my attention, and that is difficult to do for most people. Awesome work. Maybe tone down the violence a little. People can see this as intimidating or turn-off. But, personally I really like the action-filled introduction. A friend of mine who was helping me in the reviews said that maybe create a different way to introduce the characters rather than violence.

Atlas's introduction was great. Athena's could be a little different. Not all completely action-focused, but more of an insight on her character.

Just a suggestion. You don't have to do it like this if you don't want to.

(If you want me to review again once you've released 3+ chapters, you can fill out the form again.)

If you liked the review, let me know and spread the word.

Things to fix

1. There are a few grammatical things you should take a look at. It is mentioned in the Things I noticed section

2. Other than that, everything is good. (Maybe think about introducing your characters in different ways other than violence)