Here is your review. As you might have noticed, I have sort of abandoned the old system. This way you'll receive more criticism. Sorry for getting this to you so late. I have been busy, but now I am not. YAY! :)
I only read the first chapter because that itself gave me a lot of criticism to give to you.
Cover: Ok, it is awesome. It totally grabs attention and keeps it simplistic. However, all the text other than the title is sort of small and looks pixelated (because of Wattpad), but that can be fixed by making the font bigger.
Title: This is also pretty great. For some reason, it reminds me of TMNT. It does make me ask questions about the story.
Blurb: This could use some work. What you have right now would make a great first paragraph of the blurb. But it doesn't tell me about the plot. It merely introduces me to the character and the type of people they are associated with. You might want to press enter before you start talking about we rather than I as well. Tell me about the plot of the story.
Things I liked:
- I like how you named the chapters. I rarely see this nowadays, but it is how I remembered what happened in the book.
- I didn't read much, so I can't really find out what I like.
Things I disliked:
- I won't say I disliked it, but your writing style could be improved. At some points, it is a bit juvenile and you use some sentences that can only be found in kid's books. Your words lack depth and need more emotion. I need to be able to feel what the MC feels as it is in the first person.
A lot of your writing is just telling us what is going on. If you see the picture below, it says something about the handcuffs. That already tells readers that the MC is tied up, you don't need to tell us that it suggests he's tied up.
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That whole part is sort of empty. It's like, "Oh, he's tied up." Also, I can't say if the MC has a blindfold on or if he just won't open his eyes. Like can he see or Nah?
Maybe write it like, "My dream dissolves and I am brought to the real world. A draft of cold air scares me. My body springs up into a seated position and I realize that the air isn't the only thing that's cold. Metal cuffs sit on my wrists and a chain lies on my leg. I reach out to feel what exactly I am tied to and I feel a metal surface. Why is there metal everywhere in this terribly cold room?" Go on to describe the scent and stuff if the MC cannot see.
- the first chapter has a time skip so quickly it is sort of overwhelming. Maybe just remove the whole part before you added the ~~ chapter break.
Other:
- in the second paragraph of chapter 1, the dialogue tag is a bit too long and sounds a bit juvenile. Instead of it being, "...Give him another sedative..." a man with a low voice demands from somewhere above me. Try "..." a man's deep voice demands. The voice is looking down on me, and suddenly I feel conscious. There are people standing around me, watching me like I am a lab rat. -- something like that. It sets the scene better, but I am not an author so this is just a suggestion.
- you used "Even More" in the third paragraph after the MC gets injected. It sounds a bit fake, so maybe change it up. Maybe try, "After the prick in my neck, I'm drowsier than before. My senses are weighed down and don't do what I want them to. I feel like I am being chased, but I can't scream--call for help. I can't do anything but fall victim to whatever they injected me with." Something like that. I can't actually go in the head of your MC, neither am I an author, so just a suggestion
- the whole first chapter is underwhelming. I think you are over-explaining a scene that many readers have seen before. I sort of got the gist of what was happening in the first paragraph. If you've seen the movie "Push" on Netflix, that's how I imagined the scene. I understood that the MC is in some sort of facility where everything is white and metal and that he's afraid. You don't really need to explain everything. Just leave somethings to the reader's imagination.
- I feel like the first time the MC speaks, it is not fitting. He yells "Well, you better start explaining." It threw me off as it didn't fit his narrating style. He probably wouldn't yell if he experienced a headache just a while ago. It doesn't match.
OK SO: everything I've said over here that needs improvements could probably be copied and pasted onto every paragraph of your story. Basically the writing style needs depth, you did a tad bit of over-explaining, and the first dialogue didn't match the MC. If you apply this criticism to the rest of your chapters, I think you'll be able to get some serious editing done.
Thank you so much for requesting and I hope my review was able to help.
