Lonely in Berlin

Chapter 5: Christmas morning

I awoke. My eyes looked around the room. Jack was lying asleep next to me. His arms weren't around me anymore, but it appeared as if he had tucked me into the sheets. Dawn was breaking. Morning light seeped through the white blinds, bathing the bedroom in an ethereal glow. Had I just fallen asleep in his arms and been there all night?

I was struck by an urge to wrap my arms around him and snuggle close. Or, better, wake him up with a sweet little kiss and have him wrap his arms me again. I always preferred to be the little spoon after all.

I sighed.

Then a thought struck me: what the hell was I doing? None of this was part of the strategy that I'd agreed with myself last night. The plan was just to have sex with him, then leave. But I didn't want to leave. Maybe I could just stay? Maybe there was some romance here...

 Then another thought hit me: I'd been here before. Not physically here in this room, but in this situation.

A horrible feeling began to develop in my belly, which spread rapidly through my body. Why would he be any different from all the other guys who had messed me around? He wouldn't actually want to date me. He wouldn't actually want to introduce me to his friends or his family.

Then my mind replayed those girls fawning over him the night before. As I looked at him, I saw all the options a handsome man like him had. I saw all the attention that he'd get from girls with sweet, wet pussies. I wondered how many girls had he slept with? How many was he going to sleep with? Realistically, how could I compete against all those options?

Surely, I'd just served my purpose as his fuck toy for the night, and now it was my time to leave. If he turned to me and said, 'why are you still here?' just like the last guy, I think I'd have a breakdown. I couldn't bear to deal with that hurt and humiliation again.

I sat up in the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. Oh fuck. Why had I allowed myself to have warm fuzzy feelings for him last night? That was so fucking stupid. Despite the nausea that was now pulsing through me in waves, my eyes couldn't help but look at him longingly. I could feel my heart pulling through my chest towards him.

 We'd got on so well last night. He'd been funny, and kind, and gallant, and sweet. He seemed so lovely... but that was something I'd thought about other guys before, usually just before they stamped on my heart.

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I felt like I was going to be vomit. I had to leave before my mind developed any further delusions that I might have found someone who cared about me.

Quietly, I shuffled out of the bed and softly padded across the carpet. I was still completely naked. The door to the bedroom was slightly ajar. With tension in my muscles, I prized it open enough for me to get through. Thankfully, it didn't creak, and I stepped out into the hall.

The hall was slightly colder, and the floor was wooden. I crossed my arms and crept towards the living room on tiptoes. There I saw my clothes strewn across the couch and floor. Quickly, but quietly, I dressed myself. I put on everything apart from my boots, as they might make a clicking sound as I walked down the hall.

Then I crept back through the apartment and took one final peek through into the bedroom. Jack was still asleep.

"Bye, Jack," I whispered. As I spoke, emotion welled up inside me. Tears developed in my eyes and silently trickled down my cheeks. My heart pulled towards him again, but the fear of rejection was just too much.

I turned and quickly padded back down the hall, all the way to the door. There were a couple of bolts. The first one shifted easily. The second was stiff. I gritted my teeth and pulled harder. Then it opened with a snap. Shit! That was loud.