Thoughts of a stargazer

Numb

🎵// Can't you see me. TXT \\

I didn't realise until I was sitting around my family, laughing about inappropriate jokes that I was numb.

It didn't come as a shock when I realised it.

It just suddenly occurred to me that while I was sitting around people who loved and cared for me that I would rather be dead. Their presence wasn't irritating, the jokes weren't bad, I was unhappy. I just didn't feel anything. While everyone around me was having fun and enjoying themselves I was sitting next to my 5 year old niece and my older sister thinking about ways to kill my self.

I wasn't trying to be morbid, I wasn't thinking about what they might think, if they might miss me, if they would be traumatised. I was just thinking if on the way home, if I just happened to lose control on the wet road, would it be so bad?

If anyone in the room could hear my thoughts, would they stop me? Would I want someone to stop me?

Perhaps that's why I hadn't reached out to anyone, not because I found it hard to reach out but because I didn't want to. I didn't want help. I don't want help. I want it all to go away, all the nothingness all the bad thoughts, it's tiring thinking of ways to die but not having the courage to actually do anything about it.

Does that make my desires less real, less important. If I won't actually try to kill myself than do I even have a real problem.

One side of my brain tells me no. It says you aren't acting on it so your fine. Keep your mouth shut and don't complain. You have nothing to complain about. Just stop being a pussy and get it over with if your going to complain.

The other side of my brain tells me that something is so obviously wrong. Normal people don't think about killing themselves. So why are you? Your life is good just start living it, talk to someone and get help it's not hard, you have a support system.

But when do we ever listen to the logic side of our brain.

I pride myself in being logical. I don't attach emotion to decisions, I don't choose favourites, I choose logic. Except when it comes to my pain, my suffering, what is my logic for these thoughts, these choices. I'm overthinking it to much.

But that's the only thing that's keeping me alive at this point.

If I die, it's okay. I'm not afraid of death. At this point I will greet him like a friend I haven't seen in a while.

But I've never been one to make the first move.

Seems it will be the same with death,

He will have to come say hello first.