Thoughts of a stargazer

Authors note

I started writing pages In this book when I was about 15/16. (2017). It started out as notes on my phone and eventually I had the idea to bring them all together as a collection. I've always loved writing. These stories were always supposed to be personal and I have published and unpublished them many times over but ultimately decided for them to stay. I wanted to compile these stories into a book on a public platform so others would know they weren't alone in their suffering. While I am still on a journey, one that will never end, when I started writing these stories, I completely believed I would not be on this physical earth for another year. It's now been 6. This book was originally a goodbye. It was my way of leaving something that explained my decisions. As a writer, I never felt I could adequately explain myself. (That may also come from the fact I am an extreme overthinker as you may have guessed from reading these stories). I never thought I would leave an authors note. Why would I need to if the entire stories was a goodbye. The entire stories is an authors note. But I realised today as I was adding new parts and editing others that I want to be on this journey of life, reading those first few parts I was really taken back to that time of my life when I didn't see joy or beauty or sadness or pain in anything. I really lived most of my teenage years in a state of suspension over everything and everyone. I distanced myself so much from my life and my experiences, so I didn't have to experience or feel those moments was a way of coping. With what? I'm still figuring that out. I want this authors note to be continuous. Just like my story it will evolve, ill add parts. I do try never to change a story once a significant amount of time has passed as I feel it loses the feel and emotion in that specific instance. The same will go for this authors note, I like to add but never really to take away as even if I change, what I felt at the time is still justified and true. So many things have happened in 6 years. I am no where near close to where I want to be. But I am now at least moving. When I wrote the first story for this book (which is actually part 4 I think or 5) I had decided to stop. As I read back on it now I have so much sympathy for who I used to be, a little girl who just needed someone to shake her and say "wake the fuck up because you can do anything you want". I have lived more of life and the more I live the more I want to experience all the good and all the bad that the universe has to offer because I'll be damned if I don't get the absolute most out of this tiny amount of time I have on this beautiful planet.

I want to say thankyou for my grandmother, who in her passing, led me back to country, community and culture. Which truly has had an enormous influence of my perspective.
I want to say thankyou to myself, for choosing everyday to keep going, even on the days you think you give up, you don't and I cherish you for that decision.

Please come back and read this whenever you need a reminded, or a friend to pick up that 99% so you can focus on just breathing. In and out. It's gonna be okay.