Thoughts of a stargazer

A good day

🎵//Nights like this. Kehlani\\

Today was a good day, after days of rain and coldness, the sky had finally opened up. It was cloudless, warm and blue.

And I want to kill myself.

I'd started the day tired, woken up by the light coming in from my open window, I rolled over and decided on a few more minutes sleep. And suddenly I'd remembered my plans for the day, meeting with my Aunt and Pop, which I'd surely be late for if I slept in anymore.

Which I was, 20 minutes late. Still it was a good day. I'd walked for 15 minutes, pushing my grandpa along in his wheelchair, gotten us all a perfect coffee and continued on the walk. An hour later, back at home I'd decided to finish my Saturday by cleaning.

Clearing my head and busying myself with menial tasks like washing, folding, dusting, walking the dog. But such things could only satisfy me for so long, there was only so much cleaning that I could do in an already spotless household. I'd cooked dinner, organised my day tomorrow and all that was left to do was sit on my bed and let my thoughts drive me insane.

So here I was, sitting on my newly washed bed sheets, staring at nothing, while my head was screaming about anything and everything that came to mind. My thoughts were like a spiderweb that I was stuck in and someone was shaking the thread and I was going crazy.
I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted to close my eyes and shut everything out but I couldn't, there was so much going on, so much noise, so much shaking that I couldn't stop. I couldn't control anything. It was all going so fast, too fast.
It wasn't a good day.

My mind had tricked me, let me bask in the warmth of the day, reeling me in so I believed this could be the serenity of my life, but now the curtains had been pulled back, my eyes had been opened, I had awaken from my dream and been greeted with reality.

I wanted to die.

Not for the first time and not for the last.

Had anyone else ever felt like this? Was I alone?
What stopped them from taking that leap, what stopped them from closing their eyes and stopping the screaming that is my thoughts.

Please, tell me your secret to sanity, to life.

It was a good day, a good day to kill myself.
So what was stopping me?
It was always the same thing
Was I worried about making people sad?
Worried about how my step father would look after himself if I wasn't there to look after him and remind him to eat healthy and clean the house.
Worried about leaving my pop, who had so recently lost his wife of 60 years.
Perhaps that was it, leaving so soon after my family had lost its matriarch, what would she say, the only person I could talk to who would not judge me for wanting to end my life.

I guess we will have to wait and see.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day,
Perhaps tomorrow I will find the answer.
Whether I find the reason and stay, or find a better reason to go.