Thoughts of a stargazer

Heartbreak?

🎵//Too good at goodbyes. Sam Smith \\

I'd never felt anything like it. It hit so suddenly I thought someone had yanked out my heart. Nothing had ever crushed me so hard and fast. Not even the loss of someone.

Is this what heartbreak felt like?

I wanted to die so badly, if thought about it before, I'd been upset before, I'd been through pain. But never had I wanted to die so badly. So many things had rushed into my mind at once, so many feelings had hit me at the same time and I was so overwhelmed with feeling that I'd become dizzy and I'd sobbed.

I felt my heart breaking for myself, I'd never felt anything so utterly and heartbreakingly sad.

Trying to be quiet I'd stuffed my face into the pillows on my bed but it did nothing to comfort me or stop my body from shaking.
Only muffle the sounds of my cries so no one would hear me.

I was so scared at first, I didn't know what was happening and I didn't know why. I was just so sad that I didn't want to do it anymore, I just wanted everything to stop.

I didn't want to burden anyone, and as I cried I'd thought of all the people I could call.

But what could I say if they answered?

"I want to kill my self right now, I'm not joking, I'm so serious I've already written a note, please don't stop me I just thought I should tell someone"

Then I'd really have to go through with it or I'd be forced to get help.

Perhaps something more subtle

" I'm not okay, are you busy? I don't want to be alone right now"

But who could I ask.

My mother was thousands of kilometres away working. I didn't want to hear my best friends logic and reasoning and words to cheer me up, I just wanted to be less alone. The one person I knew I could reach out to for anything, my ex. But he wasn't home, he was out having fun at a party with friends because of course it was a Saturday night. I should have known and been more considerate. Perhaps my new 'fling', but we weren't at that level of trust yet, wouldn't it be weird if I suddenly said, "can I come over? Just ignore my crying, I just need some cuddles".

So instead I'd told everyone I was fine and continued to cry and shake at the sudden realisation that I was suicidal. I'd leaned on myself for my abysmal comfort and accepted that I was beyond help. I'd have to continue to suffer by myself, confide in only myself, until I had the guts to go through with the end.

I guess that's what this book is for.

A journey of my last thoughts

I wonder how it will end.

I want to say I already know, but nothing ever ends up how you think.

I've already written my last pages, I wonder when I'll share them.