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" depression and obsession don't mix well"
__________
Back to the present
You feel horribly guiltily about this whole ordeal with Bokuto. Maybe you should take back what you said?
No, that's only going to make matters worse.
The two of you had waited in silence for atsumu and kiko to leave. There wasn't a pair of words to exchange. Really, what is there to say? All you can do is wait. Wait, and do some more waiting because that's always what you seem to do isn't it?
Because you always try to wait everything out, you don't want cause problems or be straight forward about things, your a coward. You can't handle the thought of people leaving you so you'll destroy everything and everyone else to spare those select few who are stupid enough to stay.
Because your a habitful lair, you'll always lie if it benefits you in the long run. You break promises more than how many times you've thought about how much better the world would be without you. You. You you
Your nothing special, the average sadistic, lying, heart breaking person
Nothing special
Not a saint
Not pure
And not lovable
It's always been that way, so why would it change now? You'll always be too clingy and grow too attached to people who don't have mutual feelings. Your slowly loosing everyone. It's painful but you've come to terms with you're pitiful fate. And damn, does it hurt.
Nothing less to expect, karma maybe.
"Bye bye (y/n), for our double date let's meet here tomorrow at 6 P.M."
And there they go, Kiko and Atsumu.
Neither of which look back at you.
Of corse you weren't hurt by Kiko, but Atsumu is a different story. It's painful, yeah it's pretty painful, getting treated like a stranger that is. Why are you still chasing him? Why, it's obvious that he'll never pick you. Are you really being that desperate ?
But yet you still pick the option of turning your head the other way, refusing to acknowledge your one sided love. Refusing to bat an eye at the fact of your helpless state of emotions. It's too much for you, that's what you'll tell yourself. That it's not your fault, it's his. That it's wouldn't be different if you where someone else, if you where better.
And you'll continue indulging in your sin, your self pity, your loveless sex. You'll repeat the cycle over and over. And in the end, you'll never be better. Your stuck in a point of time, everyone else is going forward and moving on. Yet here you are, dwelling on the past. Never forgetting your past, never letting it go.
And soon, everyone will be past you.
"Yep sounds good, (Y/n) and I will be there no worries."
Bokuto spoke for you, you being to caught up in thought hadn't been paying attention to the conversation. Bokuto felt empathy for you, he wanted to help you. How can he help you?
You won't let him in, he can only keep chasing after you for so long.
How long (y/n), how long?
Bokuto would wait forever for you, if he knew you'd do the same for him.
But doubt, dear, dear doubt had begun to weed itself between the two of you. There's no guarantees of anything for either of you. There's nothing protecting Bokuto heart right now but himself. And you, your to caught up in the past to look to the future.
So how, how can either of you make it out alive?
Deciding to speak up, you let words that laced with heart ache leave your lips.
"This... whatever this is." You said making a motion between the two of you
Making sure to look at Bokuto with your (fake) confidence you finished what you started
" it's gonna hurt you, ya know that right?"
Bokuto's eyes didn't shift at all, a smile graced his complex instead.
" that okay, it's gonna make you forget so I'll be okay."
God, don't say that. Please don't say that. Don't do this for me I'm begging you Bokuto, I'm not worth it. I'll never be worth it so don't hurt yourself for trash like me.
You felt your eyes well up with pure rage when Bokuto let the syllables leave his mouth.
"Don't say that, don't fucking say that please"
You tried your best not to snap at him, rant to him for hours about why he should never degrade himself in such ways, lower his standards for you, lower his worth for you. For someone who's not deserving of such sacrifice. However maybe the amount of raw emotion you let show in your voice would hint to Bokuto that you will absolutely never let him hurt himself to love you.
You don't need me, you'll never need me. Get over yourself, thinking such stupid thoughts. You don't deserve someone like me, someone as needy, someone as clingy and horrible as me. Just shut up, stop talking like you won't leave me as soon as you see the real me.
" (y/n)"
He made sure to catch your attention, grabbing your hands gently.
" I'd endure this forever to make you happy, if only you'd do the same for me."
This chapter is sorta a personal vent, I do NOT want ANY comments about how (y/n) is a bitch or something, if I see any I highly recommd to stop reading this. I understand that when people do things like this it's frustrating but doubting your self worth is more common than not and you can't just " get over it".
Fun fact(?) A lot of the "quotes " that I use are XXXTENTACION lyrics. Expect to see more in the future :)
.....Maybe I'll write a little one shot for the ppl who are able to tell me which song each lyrics from, please don't use google tho if you do, it's all games it's all games.
This is probably pretty angsty... sorry I didn't have a great day today.
Um so Kita is gonna show up next chapter in the Akaashi route.
