Today is Day 8 and the topic is - "Share something you struggle with" I'll share about what's been on my mind lately and I struggle a lot with it.
Letting Go of the Past
It's been something I struggle with a lot actually. Just before I faced my major exams in 2019, I had a fight with my best friends. The reason why the fight started was very sudden and unclear but when it did happen, a lot of emotions were felt. I felt angry, sad, disappointed, and even happy all together. There were a lot of mixed emotions.
We were fighting and pointing out each other's faults. One of the many things mentioned during the fight was that I have the tendency to claim ownership over things like how I claimed the story we were writing as my own idea and our upcoming vacation as well. This made me realize that maybe I never had anything of my own from the start so I decided to leave the story we were working on as a writer. I also announced on my social media that I was leaving that story or group due to personal reasons.
On the next day, I also told them I was no longer going for the vacation that was planned because, after the whole argument, there was no way I'm still going for it. I also gave the reason that I had an event to rehearse for and attend. I admit that I definitely didn't want to look petty for pulling out from a vacation because of an argument but the reason I gave was a valid reason and it was really important to me as well.
This however sparked another argument about how I am prioritizing work over friends. My very reason to put my focus onto the event was that I wanted to make it up for the last time where I didn't help out. I was instead accused of prioritizing work, making friends just so I can hurt them afterward and I was asked to choose between my friends, them, or work. I obviously didn't see a valid reason for me to make a choice because I love both my friends and work equally. While I was arguing with two friends, I felt really disappointed that the other friends in the same group kept quiet and had not tried to comfort anyone or try to stop the fight.
After the fight, I felt really lonely and sad because they were the friends who I always talk to. It was completely out of the norm to not talk to them at all. At that point, I only talked to my family about my problems and it really helped me calm down. Not even the person whom I had feelings for was able to comfort me and make me feel better but instead, they were telling me how I should have been happy having so many best friends while I was their only best friend.
I started to put some distance between myself and everyone else when school reopens after the holidays. It was really hard because every time I was around any one of them, it felt as if I was in a very suffocating position and I hated it. The reason I felt this way was probably because they were my most trusted friends and the sudden turnaround and accusations were hard to accept. I felt betrayed.
I survived three weeks initially without contact with anyone of them and I was starting to get the hang of it until one of my friends managed to convince me to get back together with them, saying they wanted to apologize as well and so on. The reason I didn't apologize first was because I was so used to apologizing to them over our small fights even when I was never in the wrong just to make the situation better. I no longer wanted to do that but I ended up apologizing in the end after I explained why I gave everyone the cold shoulders. There was a lot of regret in that decision 😂
Why? Because I was instead told the reason why they didn't apologize and the reason is because everyone has their own ego and as a friend, they were being hard on me. I was very dumbfounded but decided not to argue back. As much as everything seemed calmed and settle, it didn't last long. We argue again back in January 2020 when my book, Battle To Ascendance was announced. The argument this time happened because I sent invitations of the Book Launch to their parents, whose contacts were on my phone. I was lashed at for making use of them as friends for my own personal gains. They became friends with me sincerely while I became friends with them so I could make use of them.
I realized at that point, I don't want friends who don't see me for who I am and support me. I felt really betrayed and disappointed at that very point where I almost broke down. I was trying to calm myself down and apply SIEP and see what was nature trying to teach but I just couldn't do it. While I was facing this problem, I was also having problems with the person I have feelings for. I realize that when it comes to loving someone, you want to be loved for you are and not as a substitute for someone else. This led me to end both my relationships with my best friends and with the person I like.
In March 2020, I attended a workshop called "Be At Your Best" and one of the many things my mentor, Valsala said was when we start focusing and working on our goals, we will lose some friends. I was in shock honestly because I literally just went through it and realize how true it really is. I was doing really well after launching my first book until MCO started.
Staying at home during MCO, it brought back many memories of my past with my friends and relationships. It once again made me feel very angry and frustrated. Pictures of them were everywhere in my gallery and social media, our conversations throughout the night. I never got rid of them because I thought I was being a bad friend if I got rid of our memories together. My mentors always repeat this sentence to me "Focus on your goals" My goal in happiness now definitely doesn't need them so I took the decision to delete everything related to them in my phone and even throw physical objects that may give remembrance to them. "In order for the seed to grow, we need to pull out the weeds" I was getting rid of the things that were making me unhappy and once I got rid of them and started really focusing on my goal to be happy, I indeed became happier every day. Nature started sending me people who made my day bright and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
Letting go of the past was definitely something I struggled a lot with for the past few months and I would really like to thank my parents, my mentors, and my friends who work with me. They constantly give me sight of the happier things in life and they have definitely brought me up to be a happier person.
