He Depends on You || Porter Robinson

Part Seven

I made a beeline towards the massive bucket of liquor on our table. And after making myself a stiff drink, I gulped it down and scanned the general proximity. I wasn't quite sure what, or who, I was looking for. But I just needed to find someone. My sights landed on a handsome guy sitting across from me. With a vintage sports t-shirt and a faded Nike dad hat, he looked out of place. But intriguing, nonetheless. I watched as his face broke out into an easy-going smile while talking to the person next to him. I couldn't help but feel my mouth twitch into a smile as well. And as if he could feel me looking, he suddenly looked up and met my gaze. I immediately looked away with a smirk. I could see him standing up in my peripheral vision and make his way around the table to me. Mission accomplished.

"You know it's impolite to stare." I heard him say with a heavy accent. I turned to look at him and almost scoffed at his overly confident expression. But fueled by the sting of rejection and a misguided plan for what I thought of as revenge, I was in the mood to play along with this handsome stranger.

"Well my sincere apologies then." I replied with a smirk and bit the straw in my now empty glass.

"What's your name?" He asked me. Stepping closer so that he didn't have to yell over the music.

"Kate." I said and extended a hand.

"Adam." He replied and took my hand. Suddenly I saw Porter sit back down at the table, not taking his eyes off me. So when Adam was about to let go of my hand, I squeezed it and pulled him a little bit closer. He looked a little surprised, and so was I at my own boldness.

"Want to dance?" I asked, feeling Porter's eyes on me.

"Hell yeah." He replied with a smirk.

I felt confident leading Adam to the dance floor. I strut past Porter who was sitting next to Dillon. Dillon's eyebrows raised in confusion as he saw me and nudged Porter who was watching us with a steely expression. I felt a slight hitch in my throat but immediately took a deep breath and kept on. My roller coaster of emotions mixed with the effects of alcohol resulted in the skewed logic that I not only needed to show Porter what he was missing, but to also needed to remind myself that I can be desirable too. I can be someone's first choice. Someone will want me. Even if it is just for the night. And yes, I understand that this is years of building self-confidence and feminism crumbling into nothing. But I am only human, okay?

The next half hour or so went as expected. As soon as Adam and I made it to the center of the dance floor, it was hands all over each other and minimal space between our bodies. Driven by the music and the energy of the bodies surrounding us, I easily found Adam's mouth with my own. He tangled his fingers in my hair and pulled me closer into a classic, hazy dance floor make out. Driven by nothing but alcohol and basic human attraction. Nothing too crazy, but enough to do the trick. After a few moments I spun around and glanced at our table. Porter was swaying as he stood up to pour himself a drink. He fumbled with the cap and ended up spilling the rest of what was in the bottle all over the table. His face twisted in frustration as he forcefully threw the plastic cup in his hand onto the floor. I couldn't hear him, but it was easy to guess the line of expletives that came out of his mouth. A much more dramatic reaction than was necessary for a simple spill. And very unlike him. I had a feeling I had gotten to him. I felt both guilt and satisfaction. So I just turned back around and allowed myself to continue to be distracted by Adam.

The rest of the night blurred by. Adam and I didn't leave each other's side until last call and the last song of the night. In my drunken state, I was able to learn that Adam is a head graphic and visual designer on tour with a DJ for the festival circuit. He is Australian. And he is a great kisser. When the music finally cut and the house lights came on, I led him back to our table where the rest of our group was winding down. Porter was nowhere to be seen. I saw Dillion laughing with one of his many friends as I approached him.

"Hi" I said with a smile. Rudely cutting off his conversation. His head snapped in my direction with a look of surprise.

"Well look who it is." He said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes.

"Where is Porter?" I asked before I could even stop myself. Dillon opened his mouth to say something before stopping himself.

"Is he still here?" I pressed. I could feel Adam grow antsy next to me. Dillon's expression softened.

"No he left a couple hours ago."

"Oh. Okay." My heart slightly sinking.

"Definitely wasn't in a good mood." Dillon said. His eyes quickly glancing down to my hand that was still holding Adam's. I sighed and tried to keep my inner guilt and frustration at bay.

"Can't imagine why." I muttered. Dillon just chuckled as he shook his head.

"You two are somethin' else." He replied as he stood up and grabbed his jacket that was slung over the back of the table booth.

"Is he...okay?" I asked softly.

"I'm sure he'll get over it." Dillon said, "Let's get you back to the hotel, okay?"

I gave him a soft smile and nodded. I looked back at Adam who looked just about as drunk as I felt.

"Is he coming with?" Dillon asked over his shoulder, glancing up at Adam.

I turned back to face Adam who gave me a lopsided smile. Everyone else seemed to be gone, and I couldn't just leave him. Plus he seemed like a nice enough guy.

"Yeah." I said.

"Whatever you say." Dillon said with a laugh. So we followed him out the door into the van.

On the drive back to the hotel, Adam fell asleep on my shoulder. I could feel his breath softly on my neck. And I couldn't help but think of all the times Porter had done the exact same thing. Porter's head fit much better into the crook of my neck. I didn't get the same butterflies in my stomach with Adam.

I sighed to myself as I watched the city pass by out the window. I felt so stuck. The endless comparison of every man I meet to Porter. No matter what, it felt like I would always be completely and utterly captivated by him. He had grown roots so deep in my heart that it felt impossible to ever rip them out. I would always be in love with him. And as much as I hate to admit it, I knew that if Porter showed even the slightest hint at wanting to shift our relationship from friendship to something more, I would jump at the chance. Which meant that he has the upper-hand. And I was left to just...wait until he changes his mind. And I hated him for that. But not as much as I hated myself for allowing myself to be put in this position. I desperately wished I could just turn off my feelings for Porter. But I knew that would never happen.

I love him with everything I have. And he just doesn't love me enough to do anything about it. It was torture and it left my head spinning. Or perhaps that was the alcohol.

We finally pulled up to the hotel and I was grateful for a brief distraction from my own racing thoughts. We all slowly made our way out of the van and staggered toward the hotel lobby. I could tell everyone was counting down the seconds until their head hit the pillow. Adam trailed closely behind me. Mumbling something about calling an Uber if I wanted.

Once we entered the lobby, we were met with the sound of laughter coming from the hotel bar. My head snapped in the direction of a very familiar laugh.

There was a small group of people I recognized from the club. Porter included. He was sitting in a lounge chair with a beautiful brunette in his lap. I froze and watched as he whispered something in her ear. She then giggled and started to place soft kisses on his neck. And at that exact moment, Porter's bloodshot eyes met mine with a smirk. I felt helpless, watching this woman kiss the man I am so hopelessly in love with. But the familiar fire also began to build in my stomach. The frustration. It fueled my desire to continue this game of tit for tat. I spun around to face Adam.

"If you want you can crash here." I said in a sultry tone.

"Are you sure?" He asked. Trying to stifle his smile. Porter's laughter echoed again across the room. I had to stop myself from physically flinching at the sound of it.

"Definitely." I said and grabbed Adam's hand as we headed towards the elevator. I snuck a glance over in Porter's direction. Once again he wasn't taking his eyes off me. I could feel them boring into the back of my head as I entered the elevator with Adam in tow. And I will never forget the split expression of utter surprise and pain as I turned around to face him while the elevator doors slid shut.