depth of darkness || nakahara chuuya x reader

12

chuuya had left shortly after you finished explaining what had happened with akutagawa, and told you of an upcoming mission, one the two of you needed to be prepared for.

the two of you would be storming an enemy organization's headquarters, and that there would be a meeting to discuss the operation at some point within the next few days.

you spent the rest of the day with kouyou, confiding in her about yesterday's events, and asking for proper advice on what to do when you feel as though you're going explode, emotions becoming too intense for you to keep locked inside of the cage you hold them in.

"you must rid yourself of them in a calm manner. distractions have no place on the battle field. not when they're affecting you." she tells you, taking your hand in hers as she speaks, rubbing a thumb along the edge of your palm. "deep breaths, if you have pockets, keep your hands in them when you get too frustrated or upset. it works well for chuuya, maybe it will for you too."

you nodded along to kouyou's words, and took chuuya's strategy into consideration. perhaps it may help at times when you're overflowing with much intense emotion. perhaps it could assist in your control over the tsunami of unexplored, new feelings that have been whipping your face like hail from a winter storm cloud.

you took a small sip from the tea cup in front of you, the shiny white porcelain glinting in the light from the window as you glanced up to regard kouyou again. this time a shy heat reaches up your neck and spreads quickly to your cheeks. kouyou raises her eyebrows curiously at your sudden change in demeanor.

you fidget with your fingers after placing your teacup back on kouyou's desk calmly, and finally made eye contact again.

"kouyou..." you trail off, thinking about your next words carefully during your brief pause. there were so many thoughts running through your mind, so many unanswered questions that lingered for days on end. those questions are ones kouyou can't answer for you, but you know you can confide in the executive. you trust her.

by now, kouyou's chin is tilted upward, encouraging you to continue as she shows her attentiveness to your next words.

"i don't quite understand the...new feelings, that have been bothering me." you begin, drawing all of your confidence to continue this conversation. "they're confusing, and i never had a chance to really come to know them before i was experimented on. so, now that i'm experiencing these strange emotions, i don't know what to make of them."

kouyou thought about your words, and the troubled, cautious tone you spoke them with. she nodded slowly.

"well, why don't you tell me about these feelings." she offered a kind, comforting smile, and your shoulders relaxed at the small gesture.

you bit your lip, giving yourself a brief moment to think over your next words carefully. "i feel odd. like a sick, excited feeling when...a certain person is around, but i can't explain what's causing it." your naivety had you at a loss, and you suddenly cursed your inexperience with feelings. it was difficult to go without most of them for so long, and now you're feeling completely twisted with how many new ones you were being faced with.

kouyou said nothing, it there was a knowing glint her eyes as she waited for you to continue. 

"there's so much going on, and i can't tell wether it's some weird resentment i'm feeling, or if any of it is even real at all." your words were starting to sound dismal and anxious, and you wrung your hands a few times to rid yourself of your growing nerves. "it's hard to sort through. i cant seem to piece it together in my head, but i feel like i should know."

kouyou's sympathetic eyes met yours, and she reached for your hand, giving it a tight, reassuring squeeze as tears stung your eyes.

"there's no need to get worked up, y/n." kouyou assured you gently, her grasp on your hand was firm, and grounding. "you will figure it out when you're really ready."

you breathed in deeply, holding the air for a moment before exhaling, calming yourself as best you could. "so you can't help me?" you asked, an underlying tone of disappointment audible in your words.

kouyou shook her head. "i could. but i don't know if you'd really need me to." she advised you with an honest expression, pulling you forward into a motherly hug. "you are strong. and it's okay to take time to properly sort through all of the confusing new emotions you're feeling. after all, that's how you'll really find yourself again."

you nodded against the woman's shoulder, reaching up to wrap your arms around her waist as you hugged her back tightly, taking in her warmth.

you spoke for a while longer, mostly about he recent missions you've gone on with chuuya. every time the executives name was mentioned, you stared down into your teacup, and tried to avoid acknowledging the heat that always burned your cheeks.

—————

it's like the world hates you, you thought as you made your way down the quiet hallway of the port mafia HQ, when a familiar head of orange hair hidden by a hat turns a corner, nearly bumping into you in his haste to get to where he's going.

"fuck." you whisper-yelled, jumping back in surprise.

chuuya sighs, looking down at his shoes as he adjusts his hat from his near fall. "i apologize." he says quietly.

you shake your head lightly, stepping back from the all too close proximity between the two of you. "wasn't watching where i was goin" you mumble, a tint of pink dusting your cheeks as you move to keep walking.

of course, chuuya turns, fingertips gently reaching out to wrap around your wrist to halt you in your quick exit. "are you alright? i didn't mean to scare you." he admits, a sheepish expression taking over his features as he speaks, letting your arm go.

you nod, pulling the corner of your bottom lip between your teeth, pushing your hands into your pockets awkwardly. "i'm okay, are you?"

chuuya nods in return, clearing his throat before offering you a gentle apologetic smile. "i've really gotta hurry, but the debriefing on the mission is tomorrow."

you sigh, and offer a small wave. "thanks for the information, i'll see you later."

with that awkward goodbye, the two of you hurry in you're opposite directions, and you escape back to your room, where you finally collapse onto your mattress, and let out a deep, stress relieving sigh.

"shit."