Looking at You

20

Epilogue.

My present situation was represented by a Minor arcana tarot, an Upright ten of swords. It represents destruction, being pinned down by things or situations. The person lying on the ground, defeated and bleeding, may also express a feeling of hopelessness and being trapped by emotions.

Dark clouds hovering above the person signify despair and a bleak situation. However, upon closer examination of the card, you may understand all evil things, may not be permanent. There is hope despite the situation; the golden sky in the distance suggests that the current situation is terrible, but things will improve.

As you won't let it happen again.

An unbearable situation is over. Yes, it hurts. But now you see in the right light.

Moreover, this experience has made you wise enough to spot those red flags early. That will keep you from getting yourself into the same mess again.

When you're back on your feet, you'll be singing.

"We won't get fooled again!"

Analysing your situation more closely, you may come to see that things aren't nearly as bad as you make them out to be.

Once you let go of the hurt, you'll realize that it's clear sailing from here on.

Congratulations to me, I passed my worst ordeal.

More than three months had passed by without any changes in me.

Anything that reminded me of him had to be removed, so I stopped drinking tea. All I was doing was writing poems about him.

A few weeks after receiving a notification that he'd accepted my connect request on LinkedIn. I tried to check his profile only to find out that he had already unfollowed me.

I was blind with rage, but all I did was checked continuously his 'last seen' WhatsApp to see if he has blocked me there too. Before, I knew it was a dark ritual, but necessary to me as air. I didn't know how to get over things. I never did, be it my challenges with Marathi language or losing twenty-kilo weight in a year with Pcos problem and bring my hormones to a reasonable level or even learning how to solve Rubik's cube in one and a half-day.

I didn't know how to give easily, then how can anyone expect me to give up when it came to heart matter. Life was draining from my body as I twisted a knife into my heart.

I wanted him, needed him—and that terrified me. I tried to chase him.

But I think after two years of choosing to spend more or less like that universe finally had a different plan for me.

March 18, 2020 was the last day I would ever see him. Then the lockdown around the world happened. But lockdown wasn't the reason for my realization.

It was a bright day, and warm, outside, the afternoon sun shone down uninterrupted by any cloud. I decided to go for a bike ride.

I selected an outfit: a black cotton tank top, black slipper, and a pair of blue denim pants.

I wheeled my bike out of my apartment's gate towards the commercial area. Suddenly I felt like the sun started to burn my cheeks, and I could feel drops of sweat gathering in my eyebrows. I turned to my left and found Sankalp had been walking down the concrete pavement, carrying his laptop bag on his back, wearing his teal blue shirt and black tailored trousers.

An exact flip of what I was wearing. Our eyes met; neither of us smiled but nor looked away. I wanted to soak his memory in just as soaking winter sunray. Then it hit me hard with a realization I never liked the sun in the first place.

Blue eyes, British guys were my choice because I always have interconnected with snow, winter, and unseasonal rain.

Then I took the right turn.

No dating application helped, but then I realized, that in 23 years of my life only one person, never had a crush on school- mates, people I go to the gym with, guys that I know I am not good at loving people especially romantically. Still, I was always good at loving me.

So, I began a new journey of self-love. I didn't need to hate him to love me, yeah.

April 24, I decided to text him a message: Will you please block me, because I am still infatuated by you.

I wasn't looking for a response; neither I got one. But didn't block me, I wanted Sankalp to block me as now, and then I was still checking his last seen. April 25, I blocked him, it broke my heart, but I did it because I had to, I wanted to mend.

One month of being sober, I must admit

Just because I am not investing my every second don't mean I don't miss him

but now that one month over I didn't give in, I do not ruin it again.

Now the chapter is closed and done

it's goodbye, it's goodbye for us.