Different than what we have imagined

Different than we imagined

„Would you want me to visit you more often?"

Shin had spoken quietly, his chin on his knees as he looked over the dark ocean in front of him. Only after his question did he turn his head slightly, watching if Neo had understood his question. Neo who was absentmindedly stroking Miw's hair next to Shin, a soft smile on his lips.

„Hu?"

Shin sighed before he repeated a bit louder: „Would you want me to visit you more often?"

Neo turned, a different smile on his lips, even if Shin couldn't pinpoint the exact difference: „We always love it when you come here. Just do what's best for you."

It felt as if someone had squeezed his heart too tight, almost making Shin choke as he tried to hold back whatever feelings came up.

„Why do you ask?"

Shin shrugged: „I might finally be able to clear my schedule around the weekends. Just want to know if you'd want that."

„Oh ... you know, whatever suits you."

„Hm", Shin nodded, staring at the ocean again, too afraid to look at Neo. The breaking of his heart was for him alone.

~~~~~

Live and let live.

Shin had always known this was Neo's motto.

While Miw's had forever been: Let me live or fuck off.

He knew and he loved both of them

He still did, despite his own heartache, the knowledge and the change. Oh, so much had changed and couldn't be changed back. Three years after his father's death had happened and he'd worked hard to keep the company. He knew it was his own fault, but he'd worked hard to do some good and make the business less criminal and more legal. He was the one being away, the one they'd only see every few weeks. Of course, there were changes. Those two had so much more time to grow with each other, to get to know each other. And somehow, slowly they'd gotten closer, much more in love with each other than with Shin.

He'd told himself it was okay. He'd told himself at least they still loved him. He'd asked them, had tried to intensify the contact, to come over more often. But somehow an important part in their relationship had gone missing. Was it the constant fear of death? The time they spend together?

There was still love between them, but ... different.

And Shin didn't know if he could live like that. He'd never thought he needed much, had always tried to be content with the affection he'd received. Small words of love and care, a smile, a hug, a fuck every few weeks. It was good, but something was lacking.

Sometimes he even felt like a boytoy, responsible to spice up their relationship, but not important enough to keep around. It made him feel sick to his stomach, especially since he knew it wasn't at all what Neo and Miw intended. He still felt like it.

He'd tried to tell them about his worries, but how could he explain it to them properly when he didn't know what exactly was wrong or what should be changed. He'd tried to get more validation, like just now. If Neo had only said „Yes, we want you here more often!", but he didn't. Because he wanted Shin to live as he wanted. But Shin wanted to know if his presence was wanted at all and it didn't seem like that at all anymore.

No, he didn't think they hated him, but the force behind their feelings had vanished. The safety, the butterflies, the happiness.

Wasn't that usual, Shin asked himself bitterly, as he stared at the sand around his feet. Even if, he didn't want it to be like that. So empty of emotions, so unsure and insecure. He'd be thirty soon and there he was, working like crazy to keep up the company. His lovers had set up their home while he was living alone, hoping for one weekend every four weeks to see them. To get them to himself.