Different than what we have imagined

Different dreams come true

Epiloge to Different than we imagined

Neo didn't think he'd ever felt as hollow. There had been tears, but he couldn't count how many anymore. There had been rage, but it had happened deep within himself. There had been hours full of silence and quiet stares out of the window and at walls.

No, he'd never felt as hollow before. It was as if someone had ripped a part out of him. The worst about it was, Shin had been the one ripping. And he'd ripped himself out. Something Neo had never thought possible.

The painful parts weren't even the most recent memories, but their road together, their time surviving and falling in love. With Shin leaving it felt as if he'd taken those with him as well. As if Neo wasn't allowed to think about those times any longer. As if instead of memories he should have only blank pages, devoid of any emotions.

No, that wasn't right. At least not entirely. The recent past hurt as well. But it hurt because they were already so used to life without Shin. Because he wasn't present in their daily life and because he'd never realised it before. It hurt because he'd somehow thought they would need to sort out Shin's stuff and send it to him, but everything he'd possessed in their shared household had apparently fit into one tiny bag.

„How could we let this happen?", he'd asked Miw, but she'd shrugged helplessly, trying not to show how much she hurt as well.

„Why did you tell him it was okay? Why did you support him?!", he shouted at her blindly because of the rage inside of him. Rage against himself, against Miw and against Shin. Rage because of his helplessness. Because deep inside of him he knew why Shin had done it.

It was because their daily life went on so undisturbed without him. Because there wasn't anything left of him except for some pictures. Because Neo didn't know when he'd been in the city the last time. If he even knew how Shin's apartment looked like. Because Neo exactly knew how left out Shin had been.

It hadn't happened out of malice, but because they had decided on this lifestyle. On Shin working in the city to rebuild his father's company. And them living on the island, working at the diner with lots of working hours and little free time. No one had wanted it, but it had happened. In the end they had just moved away from each other and although there was still love left, it had nowhere to go.

The pain came in waves. Sometimes it was like a slight headache, a pressure behind his eyes. Sometimes it came in full force, making him cry for hours without end. Like when he organised the pictures on his phone. Suddenly he was looking at Shin's face, close to the camera, smiling so full of love and happiness. It had been on a sunday after morning sex, which meant Shin's naked shoulder was visible in the picture. It drove Neo crazy to know he could never kiss it again. Never touch it again. Never look at it again except for this picture.

Sometimes hope dwelled up inside of him.

„Do you think he'll come back?", he asked Miw suddenly, in the middle of something something. But her look wasn't one of hope.

„If he'll ever come back, it won't be to be with us."

It hurt, deep down, but he knew she was right. Their time had been important, had been wonderful, oh so full of wonder and so important for all their lives. But it was over and it would never come back. All that was left was to treasure those memories and be thankful. Despite all the pain they decided to keep the pictures in the house. They were used to them, didn't want them gone.

Sometimes there'd be a special pressure in Neo's chest. It was when he suddenly thought he wanted to tell Shin something. It may be a joke or about a situation at work. It may be something simple or something important. And suddenly his brain would go like „I want to tell Shin!", just for him to realise this wasn't possible any longer.