warm - one shots (lan zhan x wei ying)

someone could love you more

wei ying really thought he had his shit together. dating lan zhan was everything he wanted, so what on earth was he doing, running from him?

or 

i leave you one last kiss on your pillow, before i fly away

lan zhan smiled at him. a real, breathtaking, still tiny, lan zhan smile. what had wei ying been ready to risk for that smile, and now he was ready to just throw it away? no, definitely no. it had taken him months to work up the courage to ask the other out and when the beautiful boy said yes, he was floating. far away, from home, from the cold glares and hard hands. far away from his sister's cries and his brother's silence. he didn't care anymore, he was ready to drop all the last strings that attached him to that place. because lan zhan had been there, had been a strong, unwavering pillar. he knew what wei ying had to give up for their relationship, because his burden wasn't any lighter. his uncle would never approve of the untamed boy, that spun around his nephew's whole life. 

that's what made his plans so unfair. he couldn't excuse it with his, oh so, pitiful fate, because they shared the same one. wei ying closed his eyes in the dark of lan zhan's bedroom, the older's smile still a burning image behind his eyelids. the window was always kept wide open, once lan zhan realized it made wei ying fidgety to be in a room with stale air. the smaller got up with a sigh and staggered to his spot of freedom in this deeply loved room of his. it was a fucking twist. he adored being here, being with his love, but he also felt trapped. 

taking in a deep breath of night air, wei ying slung his arms around his torso, to find some warmth. or was it comfort? he thought about what he was going to go back to tomorrow. a shuttered home, a dead silent one. he shivered. it was going to stay like that, even if he stopped dating lan zhan. it was probably never gonna change again. the horrible thing was, that it was as clear as day, that lan zhan would support any decision wei ying would make. he'd let him go, without a word of protest, because of how much he loved him. and wei ying was well aware of that. it set his chest on fire and broke his heart at the same time. he was floating so high, thanks to every damn, little thing, the taller told him and did and, god, was he ready to stay up there. but then again, what was he giving back? did he give back anything at all? wasn't there someone out there, that could love lan zhan more? love him better? because even with lan zhan's presence always around him and all his unspoken promises filling his mind, wei ying couldn't stop himself from worrying. he was trying so hard to build this relationship into this beautiful, perfect thing, but at some point, he wasn't sure how to keep those expectations up. what was lan zhan waiting for? he was just a lost boy, broken, not capable of returning the love he received.

sometimes, wei ying wished he didn't confess. wished, he didn't catch a hint of that mesmerizing smile and wonder what he'd have to do, to drink in the sight of a full blown, over-the-moon happy smile, just once. wished he hadn't gotten so addicted, once he achieved it. wei ying cursed himself for wanting to kiss those raspberry lips, just once more. every time, just once more. but who was he kidding, he loved lan zhan enough, he was willing to do everything just the same, all over again, for a thousand times, if he got the chance. he wanted to replay all those moments they had so far, much rather than moving on with his actions the next morning. on top of all his wishes, he wished for just a little more time. a little bit more of a chance, to sort himself out. to fix himself, so he could grow into a man worthy of lan zhan. a man that wei ying could accept for the older. 

he knew, it wasn't him. and he knew, he didn't have the time to become it. wei ying didn't sigh, while he pulled out his phone, to go over the information he received earlier today. 

jc

mom asked me to talk to you. they'll cut your money supply, if you don't move back fully and stop seeing him. same for any way of communication with you, for yanli and me. you know, they can do so. please think again, brother.

wei ying's doubts about his decision had grown over the past weeks, the more generous lan zhan, and the needier he had become. he hated burdening the other this much, even though he was the one most bothered by it. lan zhan had very persistently asked him to move in with him, when wei ying had to cancel their meetings more often, because he was in so much pain, that he couldn't get out of bed. lan zhan had looked at the burn marks and hitting bruises with a deep frown and an angrily clenched fist and suddenly proposed the idea of wei ying moving in. how could the younger say no to so much concern, dedicated to him. but it was just too much, wasn't it? he was too much. lan zhan couldn't keep looking after him for the rest of his life. 

wei ying had thought about making it easier for the older for a long while. he just liked it so much. being cared for, and cherished, was just overwhelmingly beautiful. but now, his family had started to actually intervene, and wei ying was scared. without money to pay for a proper education, he'd never be able to financially support their home. he knew, lan zhan would tell him not to stress about it and try to manage it on his own, but even his resources were limited, there was no point trying to disguise the fact. wei ying couldn't do that to him. another thing, were his siblings. their relationship had drastically shifted, when wei ying came out, but they both tried their hardest to maintain contact with him. now, they'd take all that from him. if someone asked wei ying, if some stupid boyfriend was worth all those struggles, he'd love to say yes. 

the sad truth is, that he didn't know. he was too lost to say, everything was good as long as wangji was with him. that's all he was, a lost boy. that message of jiang cheng pushed him over the edge. keeping this going was just selfish. he knew, he should tell his love, explain everything to him, but that would give lan zhan the opportunity to change his mind, to propose some beautifully complicated solution. and maybe, that would be considerable, but wei ying couldn't help but think that every other, possible solution would hurt lan zhan more at the end. this was the one time he was given, to run, to give lan zhan a chance to fall in love again and live a happier life.

wei ying climbed back to bed and slid in between the taller's always open arms. nuzzling his head comfortably against his lover's chest, he thanked the heavens to have gifted him such a beautiful soul and then rolled his eyes, thinking, 'screw the heavens, they're playing cruel games.' instead he thanked lan zhan, for being with him, even if it was only for a short time. he thanked him for lukewarm cups of tea, for calm hands, that braided his long, messy hair and made it look halfway presentable. for the warmest hugs and the best laughs. for tears the other caught with his thumbs or kissed away. he was never going to be able to replace that, so he told himself to carry the memories with him forever. wei ying lied. there was no one that could love lan zhan more than him. but that didn't mean there wasn't someone, who was ready to fear less, when loving him. and that sounded more, like what lan zhan deserved.

if lan zhan woke up that morning, when wei ying left, it might've changed his mind. he might have stayed, because maybe lan zhan would've smiled at him. he didn't though, so the younger left him, with one last kiss, easing the perfect little frown, he made so often in his sleep. 

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a little sad, 'm sorry ._.

this was inspired by 'lost boy' by troye sivan.

i might make a second part to this, though.

update, i won't. at least not now, sorry. it just feels too forced.

credits of the picture i used to the original artist.