Amnesia (Overload Book 1)

32

Sat on the sofa, legs the other end, earphones in, I try my hardest to block myself from the world. My world.

How can Alisha be the centre of my world when for 17-18 years I never knew her? How can love be so intoxicating?

I listen to one of my all time favourite songs from Ed Sheeran and I lay there thinking how in a way it relates to me and Ali.. Alisha.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time's forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.

This song is so relevant because no matter what she does to break me, I will still love her and I will still want her with me... home.

Sometimes it's easier to have a photograph of her in my jeans so I can just look at her innocent face and forget about what she's done to me, even for just a second.

In a photograph, a photograph of the love of my life I cannot get my heart broken by looking at her in that form.

"Jordi. Jord", I get up off the sofa grumpily, not liking the idea of leaving the sofa lonely. I was quite getting used to the idea of a day on the sofa, listening to music, maybe write a song or two but no... People have other ideas and I cannot get out of this one.

I wander into the kitchen to where my mother is sat smiling weakly at me, her eyes moving from me to the seat opposite her and instantly I know it's gonna be a long conversation.

I do as she wants, pulling the chair back, sitting down with my phone awaiting her worry to appear.

Rather than questioning me like she normally does, hammering me with thousands of questions, making me feel like I'm playing 21 questions yet worse, she asked one simple question.

"What happened?"

I struggle to answer the question however when the lump in my throat grows and instead I sit opposite the closest woman to me baring Alisha trying not to cry.

"It's a long story" is all I manage to say before tears begin to roll down my cheeks yet again.

In this moment in time I don't seem to care that manly men are not meant to cry because at this moment in time I don't feel like a man. I feel like a heartbroken boy again.

"I have time. I'm not pressuring you. I'm here if you want to talk and I'm here if you just want to be in my presence"

"Thanks mum," I manage to mumble, whilst trying to gather my thoughts into something that seemed acceptable to say.

"I guess, it's the fact that.. She's the one person who I know can make me happy in an instant.. But she's completly broken me down. Just from one stupid mistake. But, even though she's the one who's broken me down, it's like she's the only one who can fix the hurt."

"And you defiantly know, that she cheated on you?" She questions, which baffled me slightly. Of course I did.

"Yes," I reply simply. "It's not like it would be such a hard thing for her to do. Especially all of those times that Joey was there for her when I wasn't. I treated her like crap, and Joey had been there for her."

"Right, so what happened when you comfronted her?" She asks softly, almost sympathetically.

"She told me she could never do that to me... Because she loved me. But, I've seen the Jeremy Kyle show, how many people say that who have actually cheated mum. How many?"