Spillage || TW {18+}

♦ 15 ♦

song; "Get Well" by Icon For Hire

author's note; Due to all the chaos going on with the protests and riots in response to the murder of George Floyd, I decided to take a hiatus from social media because it was triggering severe anxiety. This chapter was written last weekend, before Americans took to the streets to protest against police brutality, specifically the disproportionate deaths caused by police brutality amongst the black community. 

If there are any black readers that I have here with me today, I love you and support you. Your life matters just like mine does. As a black author, I find it important to implement black characters in my stories because I love black people and black characters are severely lacking representation in most media and here on Wattpad. 

If you've come for a moment of peace from the fear you live with every day, I don't think this chapter will be for you. This chapter contains a trigger warning for suicide and eating disorders, specifically bulimia nervosa. There is also reference to drug abuse. 

If any of these topics are triggering, I would suggest reading with caution. 

If you are not triggered by these issues, then just enjoy the chapter. It is on the shorter side, and the next one will be too and will also contain a trigger warning. 

Black Lives Matter. Stay safe.

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My eyes bore up at the white ceiling of my bedroom. I was afraid to check the time because I knew what it would tell me. 

My music was doing the exact opposite of soothing me to sleep. A demon slinked around in the black corners of my room, inching closer to my bed. It rasped that I could hunt down some Nyquil, and while I actually thought it was a reasonable suggestion, I tried my best to ignore it.

Smoking with Victor a couple weeks ago was damaging enough to my sobriety. No one was drug testing me like they really should be so that was the only reason I'd gotten away with it. I was trying harder to be better, healthier, happier. I wanted it more than before.

I didn't know what it was that sparked this desire for normalcy. It could be the influence of the Sawyers, Lola and Lana's never-ending encouragement especially. 

Or maybe it was my newfound friendship with Wolf. My desire to actually be a true friend to someone again. 

Was it the infatuation I'd dived into when it came to Drake? The knowledge that if I wanted someone to love me that I needed to love myself first, take care of myself first, gnawed at me daily.

Even though I'd been telling myself that I hated Drake, I knew that wasn't the truth.

A part of me still loved his compliments, loved that he was making an effort to get to know me, regardless of if there were wicked intentions behind it or not. That's how I knew that I was still sick. I still wasn't ready for a real relationship.

Drake's curiosity intrigued me. Did he really just want to know what made me tick? If he found out would he even have any satisfaction? 

 I may not even be a person to him. 

I could just be like an experiment, something that was interesting for the moment but would eventually pass like all things do.

Like a riddle that once he solved he'd forget about.

Wolf seemed to genuinely like me, but I had anxiety surrounding my relationship with him too. The last "friends" I'd had seemed to like me, but in the end they betrayed me and scarred me so deeply that I was forever changed.