Into the Hornet's Nest

20

          On day 81, the third letter finally came. Minho may or may not have screamed in excitement.

   "Hyung,

           Things got worse after the last letter. I know it's no excuse to write so far apart, especially since you're definitely gone from the house now if you weren't before. Honey has gotten worse. She told me today that in her old age, she's never seen a more meant-to-be couple than you and I. I really want to believe her, but I really wish more than anything else that you would still want that. I really hope you haven't forgotten about me. I know that's selfish, you have every right to shove me out of your mind for your own wellbeing. Even if it's entirely in vain at this point, I'll say this anyway. Please. Don't forget about me and the things we did. Don't forget about the way we made each other smile and laugh. I wish I could hear your laugh again. I hate to admit that I've forgotten the sound of it, along with your voice. Have you forgotten too? Honey says that the voice in your memory doesn't need to be there as long as it's in your heart, and you're still taking up a large space in my heart. Honey told me also that I shouldn't blame myself for everything, considering the circumstances. I know you don't know them, so it's okay if you blame me for whatever you may be feeling about this whole thing. I've been in contact with my parents recently, there are a lot of mixed feelings there. It's been so long, you know? It's weird being in the same room as them - even more so seeing them stand together without yelling. I wonder a lot about how the house turned out, I may have to harass the new owners when I come home asking if I can see it. They'll think I'm some creep when I'm staring lovingly at a home that you and I literally made together. If I don't ever get to see you again, I wanted to thank you for restoring it and letting me help. I think it helped me deal with a lot of internal stuff, you know? I don't know. I'm still writing because I don't want to stop. I feel terrible for taking so long. I promise I still think about you, that's not why I haven't been sending anything. Honey told me I should write every day and send them at the end of the week in one mega-envelope, give you a play by play of how things are going. As much as I'd love to, I finish most days too exhausted to do much more than sleep. I dream of you, still. I dream of coming home a lot, or I dream of the days before I left. It's really hard to wake up from that. In the sweetest way possible, I kind of hope you feel the same. Not the painful part, but the part where you still think of me and care. It's been a long time, hyung, I'll forgive you if you don't want to miss me anymore. I miss my old room. I miss moments with you in it. I just miss you a lot. It hasn't gotten much easier for me. I hope you're doing okay wherever you are. I hope you got to go home and see Soongie, Doongie and Dori. Sydney says hi, well, she can't talk, but she rubbed against this paper so I'm counting it as a hello. Anyway, I have to get going. I wish I could call you. I feel stupid asking things you can't even answer. I just wanted to remind you that it's still you. It's you in my head when I can't sleep, when I'm happy, when I look at the sky. I guess it has been for a long time, but I was too much of an idiot to admit that. Present me is formally apologizing for past me. I'm sorry.

      I still love you.

          Han Jisung"

          Along with the letter, there had been a polaroid in the envelope. Minho stared at it for a long time, his lip trembling at the sight of Han looking into the camera with a soft smile, Sydney pressed to his face looking rather unimpressed by the photo op. Minho immediately stuck it in the corner of the picture frame beside his bed, making sure the date on the bottom of the photo could still be read as he laid down and smiled like an idiot at the small photo. As much as it hurts to hear Han doubting himself and the struggles he had been telling him about, Minho found a lot of relief in the way he always made sure to remind him that his feelings hadn't changed. So, Minho had forgiven the delayed letter. He forgave Han, the boy clearly still trying to reach out the best he could. It still hurt like hell to be without him, the days where no letters would come being so painful to work through. Especially when more and more days passed and Minho was constantly reminded that if anything happened to Han, he wouldn't know. He hated thinking about it, but he knew that it was a relatively valid fear. He would have no idea and would go on assuming hopelessly that the letters got lost in the mail or something. The photo had quelled some worry in him that Han was in fact still a real person despite Minho feeling like he would be sad over someone his mind wants to forget. The new photo had also made him happy because Han had taken it for him. In that moment, looking at that photo, all of the anger had gone away. All of the sadness was replaced by his sudden obsession with the closest thing to seeing Han in person after all this time. Minho forgot every day he spent between letters, forgetting the drinks he kept beside his bed should he fail to fall asleep quickly. All that mattered was Han's face, that it hadn't changed and that as of right then, he still was in love with him. It was enough to let Minho sleep that night.