Into the Hornet's Nest

24

   "Hyung,

         I think this is going to be my last letter. The funeral service was nice enough, I'm sorry you couldn't come. I assumed you would want to, but I don't have any way to reach out other than this right now. It's been a long time, hasn't it? None of it is fair. Honey wouldn't stand for this if she had a choice anymore, she really liked you. I still miss you, but the ache has been overshadowed by the loss. I'm sure you understand. I don't know if I can ever go back to that house. I don't know how long it will take for me to be okay. Part of me wants to think that seeing you again may help, but I honestly feel so little of anything now that I can't really be sure, if I'm honest. I feel stupid sending these, I know you're gone. I know you've left, moved on, and that you hate me. You don't know why I left, you probably assume you scared me off. I wanted to tell you that that is not what happened, and I feel so terrible knowing that you really do have every right to hate me. My own parents hate me, too. I guess I'm a bit glad that I don't really feel much. I hope wherever you are, you remember the good times. I hope you hear songs or see something and think of me even if only for a moment. I hope you enjoy where you are now, I hope you wouldn't mind if I called you somewhere down the line and see how you're doing. My parents plan to sell Honey's house. I'm really angry about it, I won't have anywhere to go and even if my old house is on the market, I can't come anywhere near affording it. I try so hard to remember your face, but it's all so fuzzy. I like to send photos to you so that you won't have to forget mine if you don't want to by now. Sydney is mine now, which I'm glad for. I want to go home, but I don't. I haven't been able to talk to anyone here, I feel so fucking alone, hyung. I hope you've found friends, that they make you happy and that maybe I could meet them some day. I'm so exhausted. I wish I could see you again, even if just for a minute, you know? Just to see you happy and stuff. I don't know, I guess I'm rambling because I don't even know if you'll get this. I always tell you not to forget me, but I think that I kind of forgot about you for a while. With everything going on, it took over anything else I was feeling. I remember how lovely you are, how you always made me smile and how things felt right with you. I think it scared me a lot, because of how my parents ended up. I knew you were going to leave, and that only scared me more. I don't regret you, I don't think I'll ever find anyone like you again. That thought is kind of scary, too. I'm so sorry, hyung. I don't know how to put down what I'm feeling. You should find someone who can be there for you. You should forget and be happy and it's okay if I'm an afterthought in that. You can remember me as that almost, I won't be mad. Who knows, maybe we'll see each other in a few years and pass by without recognizing each other. Maybe we won't mean anything to each other anymore. I mean, assuming you feel anything about me now. If you do, you deserve better. I say that, but I know I'll look for you in everyone I meet. I think I just don't want this letter to end, as if it's a face to face goodbye. Sadly, I don't have that luxury.
Well, I think this is it, then. I'm sorry, you deserve so much more than a letter. I've sent another photo just in case you want to remember. I guess I'll find you someday, if I'm meant to. If that's the case, just know that I'm looking forward to it, okay? You can let me go. I'll be alright. Don't forget that I loved you. I'll see you in the next life if not in this one, yeah? Thank you for loving me while you did. I'm sorry for everything.
I hope you get these,

              Han Jisung."

           Minho had passed out from the tears, the last letter being dated just less than a week ago.