What We Didn't Tell Each Other

- chapter 2: "i wish i weren't" -

He's laughing and my heart feels like it's floating. We're on the highway in the middle of the night heading towards the city for some milkshakes and cookies, and for the first time in a while since the summer started, I feel like I actually have him -- like he's actually mine again. The whole ride so far is filled with inside jokes, catching up (nothing too detailed or intense though), and roasting each other (except he always beats me at that since I'm a very roast-able person, if I must admit).

We drive past the beach and see lights from Navy Pier in the distance. My world feels light again. I have the urge to blurt something but I know it's a safer option not to. And for the first time in a while since I've seen him, I realize why I've avoided seeing him. My expectation was that if I didn't see him for a month after our fallout, I would get over my feelings for him, glow up, and make him realize what he missed out on; in reality, I realize seeing him and distracting myself with all the self-care I was doing was actually more harm than help because I never got over him and I'm still so in love with this boy.

For a moment, it feels like things are in slow motion, and the scene of everything feels like a stereotypical teenage movie that you'd capture on a Polaroid. The highway is practically empty except for the occasional cars driving past, so I look over at him. He catches my stare and my heart dips to my stomach, making me feel sick in the best way possible. He smirks. "What's on your mind," he finally asks as he lowers the music on the aux.

"Nothing," I say, shaking my head and turning my face in the direction of the road ahead of me. "Just...nothing." I pause. "Actually...." Wait, no no, don't say it. "Um, I just -- I'm, uh, actually having fun." Good, you didn't say it.

He laughs lightly and I suddenly feel his hand on my thigh. "Good, I am too. I missed all of this." My body fills with goosebumps when he slides his hands closer to my inner thigh and he laughs unapologetically. "You're such a virgin," he says. "You get so turned on just by the touch of a hand. Some things never change." He continues laughing but retreats his hand back to himself.

My face feels hot and I can't help but feel slightly embarrassed. "I am not such a virgin," I try to argue. "You're just so much of a fuckboy and you like fucking with my emotions." Whoa, whoa, let's not get deep; it's been a month since you've seen this boy and you don't want it to be an argument already -- cool it. I clear my throat. "I'm kidding! Kidding!" I say stupidly, attempting to play it off as a joke rather than an emotional reaction. I decide to change my tone and get flirty. "But I am NOT such a virgin." I look over at him and throw him The Look. "And you would know." I give a wink before turning quickly back to face the road.

For a moment, I could swear he's flustered because he starts to trip over his words but then he laughs smoothly and puts his hand back on my thigh. "Oh, I'll believe it when I see it," he says.

My face feels hotter now and I respond, "You've already seen it."

"I guess," he starts, slightly tightening his grip on my thigh, "I need a run down memory lane then? I forgot what it was like with you."

With you? As in, there have been others after me? I feel a pang in my chest and somewhat...very bothered, but I shake it off, thinking that I'm possibly overthinking as I usually do. "Memory lane?" I joke. "Yeah, haha. Nice one. We are not going down that lane, so how about we continue down this actual lane towards getting those cookies and then back home?"

"Back home? Tanya, I think you've mistaken me for someone else? We're staying out tonight. You're already gonna text someone from work to cover your shift and we're gonna do our thing. A deep talk, maybe? Go to 'our spot' and just chill? Watch the sunrise? Up to you."

The offer is almost too hard to let down, so I decide against my own best judgement to agree. "Sure, Alex, I'd love that."

I look over at him and he seems almost surprised. "Alright...alright!" He almost seems to stutter. "Great! Yeah, I'd love that too!"