Up in Smoke (Soulmate AU)

Breathe.

He knew it would hurt. Just not this much.

He was laying on his bed. Back flat and arms thrown haphazardly at his sides. He found himself losing focus on the world around him. Only the sound of his staggered breaths and the low whistle of the wind seeping out of his bedroom window. The brisk air made the steady streams falling into his ears cold as they had fallen. The fabric under his neck wet and hard to find any real comfort in.

Something was sitting on his chest. He could have sworn it was. Caving it in, bone piercing into his lungs. He was drowning. Gasping for air almost. Fingers that claw until they're bloody. He was being strangled. He was being muted.

And he was small.

So small.

The emotion was foreign to him. He couldn't put a name to it ~ couldn't even process it. Was he angry? Was he devastated? But the lines only blur. And a million feelings become one. Festering within him. Clogging up his insides. A fullness where he was sure emptiness should lay. He felt spoiled. He felt soured.

Rancid. That would give the feeling a face for now. Rancid. Putrid and mephitic. It made him sick to his stomach ~ nauseous enough to make him consider hightailing it to his bathroom, just so he could purge this rotting feeling molding at the bottom of his stomach. He'd flush it away and be rid of it. If only it were that easy.

I wasn't good enough.

The thought pulled a pitiful mewl out of the base of his throat, his hands moving to his lips to trap the rest in between his fingers. He didn't want to hear himself cry. That would just make it real. He couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle not being able to stop.

He couldn't believe he had lost her like this. No, that realization didn't hit him until he had to see it up close. He watched her all but run into his arms on her walk up the steps. But that would have been fine if it were just that. He could have lived through it. And to be fair to her, he wasn't even supposed to see it. The hallway was empty - it was supposed to be at least. She just didn't seem like the type to flaunt something as intimate as a kiss in public. He knew it wasn't for him.

But it hurt like it was. Tore him open right there ~ he felt eviscerated. Disemboweled and gutted. He could barely pick his insides fast enough off the ground. No, he couldn't afford her knowing he was there. Just leave with the steady hope he wouldn't drop his intestines in front of him and trip over himself on his jog toward his room. His eyes were hot before he could even open his door. He couldn't believe he had lost it like that.

And the more he thought about it, the deeper the ache became. He was slipping. Teetering on a thin plank as the wind threatened his balance. He was falling ~ He was plummeting.

Regret. That was the first nail. Regret for not being selfish. A part of him hated himself for taking the high road out. Fuck that. That little fucking twerp didn't deserve someone like her ~ couldn't handle her like he could. She was the sunrise that muffled the stars ~ where he was the overcast that obstructed her. That jackass would only bring her down.

Anger. That was the second. It was his fault. That shitty fucking Deku. Of course she'd chosen him, he was down her throat more than half the time. Always tucking her behind him. Holding her captive. He made sure everything she saw was him ~ everything she knew. If it weren't for him she'd be in his arms right now. Pressing her lips against his, instead of that conniving rat.