How would you feel? (if I told you I loved you) ((english version))

Can u hold me in your arms?

AN : ⚠️warning : past domestic violence and rape reference⚠️

Glancing down, Chris is still amazed by Lucie's presence in his life. If someone had told him two months ago that he'll found someone to share a bit of his life, a bit of his love, he'll had laugh at the person's face. Because at this time, he didn't believe that was possible, people comes and goes, but never stays long enough... But Lucie came along, and he could not be happier. 'Cause, she had seen the real Chris, and she still sees him everyday, her vision isn't tainted by what the media says about him and he likes that. He knows that it can't last forever, because if a job comes or if she catches a gossip about him... She has a right to know, but not now, not when everything in his life is going as smoothly as it's going now. Maybe he is selfish, but he really doesn't want to loose her now, his insecurities are still a part of him and he dreads her reaction so very much... He looks down again, taking in her calm features, the way her chest rises and fells at each breath she takes, the way her eyelashes are pillowed on her cheeks or the way her rosy and soft lips, yup he knows they're really soft now, are parted. God, she is beautiful and it hurts so much to think that at any moments, she can just slip through his fingers and he'll not be able to hold her back. Because people comes and goes but they never stays in the end... Wow, that's depressing. His psychologist had said to him one time that he is too hard on himself and so so so self destructive. He can't understand why people choose to love him or to care about him. Why his friends are still around. And right now, he still thinks so, why is Lucie still here, by his side? Why is she so trusting with him? Why? Why? Why? And the worst thing is that he doesn't have any answer... Maybe she sees something in him that nobody saw before, maybe she was right the other time when she had said to him that if his previous relationships didn't accept the whole him, they didn't deserved him, he isn't sure of that. Because he was the one that messed up all the time, his carrier or his anxiety or his big dreams. Yeah, he had messed up every fucking little things in these relationships, and he is surely going to fuck up this one. Because people comes and goes, but they never ever stays. A shiver wracking Lucie's body pushes him out of his dark thoughts and he watches with confusion her perfect face contorts in pain. What the fuck is going on? Horror replaces his confusion when her lips start to tremble and a tear rolls down her cheek, ending up at the base of her neck. Oh, Lucie, what is going on? She begins mumbling incoherent words, some clearer than other and seconds later, her body is quacking so much that he has to hold her in hope that she doesn't hurt herself. Shit, she had been so tired when she had came home this night, she had refused to eat anything and just made herself cozy, using his chest as a pillow as she so often does. He hadn't questioned her, but something had been wrong. He had just think that if she wanted to talk about it, she'll do it in her own terms. And minutes later, she was soundly asleep and he had forgotten about it. Maybe he should have ask about it... Maybe it'll have spare her a fucking nightmare! She is shaking so much, little cries escaping her lips, breaking Chris' heart each times, and he really has no clue about what he has to do... Should he wake her? Should he let her ride through it? He's lost. So he opt for murmuring soft reassuring words in her ear, soothing her with his voice in hope that he'll make her better, that he'll heal her. And soon enough, she stills in his arms, two honey like orbs piercing his soul. Her eyes are red and puffy, watering with unshed tears. "Chris?". Her voice is quivering and as he reaches for her, she bodily throws herself right onto his broad chest, burying her nose in his neck and crying her heart out. And he lets her do so because he'll do everything he can to make things better. "Hey, sweetheart, everything alright, you're okay, babe, you're fine, I swear". Yeah, he'll do everything for her. But he can't allowed himself to dream to much, because at the end of the day, she comes and she goes, but she'll never stay by his side...

What a shitty day! It all started when her alarm didn't go off and she was awakened by the shrieking sound of her fucking beeper. What a fantastic way to start the day. Because of it, she hadn't had the time to go for her run and breakfast hadn't been an option. Rushing through her apartment, she managed to arrive just in time at the hospital, avoiding the judgmental glances of her colleagues. Today is the day of the week when she's assigned to ER, she hates ER shifts. They can be so fucking stressful when there was a real emergency and so boring when a shit ton of people only came because their throat hurt. Her day went on and she was really bored so she took a minute to text Chris, asking him if she can come by later, and at this exact moment, her superior decided to pass by and scold her because she wasn't paying attention. Nicely done Lucie. At lunch, she realized that she had nothing to eat and she had to content her stomach with these stupid hospital meals. Smelled horrible, tasted worse. And that was on the afternoon that she officially labeled this day as the worst fucking day of her entire life! While she was patiently waiting for a real patient to examine, she saw Him. He-who-must-not-be-name would do the work if it wasn't already used. Oh, the audacity he had to come here and just posted himself right in front of her. Shivers had wracked her frame and she didn't feel safe anymore, she needed Chris. Badly. But he wasn't here. So she ran through the corridors, signaling that she wasn't able to finish her shift because she was felling unwell and she literally ran from her life until she was knocking on her lover's door. When he had opened the door, the exhaustion of the day and of the last hour came rushing through her body and she had nearly collapsed on him. Cuddling with him was enough of a distraction for her to fell asleep but, yeah, the fucking nightmares appeared. And now, she is sobbing like a mess on Chris' shirt, soaking him through the bone. "Hey, hey, Lucie, darling, you need to breath sweetheart, in and out, slowly" he says as he rubs her back, full of affection and concern. She manages to calm down a bit, basing her own breathing on Chris', listening to his soft voice and convincing herself that He is not here, that Chris is not like Him... "You ok? Do you want to talk about it?". She nods but she isn't sure if she nods that she's ok or if she nods for both questions... It seems like they're going for the long run, right? And one day or another, she'll have to tell him? So why not telling him right now? Yes, it'll hurt, they aren't her best memories, but with Chris at her side, what can actually go wrong? So she speaks. "I arrived at Boston five years ago, but you already know that". He nods, positioning them in a better position and waiting patiently for her to continue. "When I landed here, I was lost and scared. I had no one, no family, no friends, no significant other-still don't have any of that, expect from you-and it scared the shit out of me. My parents managed to find my an apartment on the campus, a one bedroom kind of thing, no roommate. So I was on my own. At first people didn't come to me and I was socially awkward-still am-then I met this guy. David". She watches as Chris clenches his fist at that. Oh, if only he had been there... "He was the popular guy in the school year, he had the good looks, he had the money, all in all, he was the perfect frat boy. But he was nice to me, didn't ignore me like the others. And we became friends. Days after, every single one person on the campus wanted to be my friend too, plus the french thing and people's attention became enormous. David and I were good friends during my first year at Harvard, but our relationship quickly evolved into something of the romantic kind the next September. At first, things were good, he was still kind to me and romantic to no end. And I decided to trust him, because I started developing feelings for him. I really loved him, so I offered him my heart and on our third year, I offered him my body...". A shameful blush spreads over her cheeks and reaches her neckline, she can feel it and Chris obviously sees it too because he squeezes her a little tighter in his arms. "I was twenty two and still a virgin, not innocent, but a virgin and I gave him this one thing and trusted him with it... I never regretted a decision so much... That first time, he was gentle and all, but after that he became a little rougher, a little more insistent about sex, even when I didn't want it. It quickly became worse, it just started with a slap one time and I just assumed that I did something... wrong". Oh shit, her vision becomes blurry, she does not think she can cry anymore. Chris bends and pecks delicately her eyelids, erasing her tears. It suffices for her to find the strength to go on. "He slapped me a second time, this time leaving behind him a nice bruise on my cheekbone... He did it again, but I thought I deserved it, because he said so... Then one day, he threw my consent by the window and he raped me. Once, twice, thrice... I lost the count... But I still stayed silent because it was all my fault. He said it was and I believed it, Chris! What a fucking wreck! And it went on for a year, rapping plus some extra beating, some crushed bones explained by fall on the stairs, others bruises and gashes hidden by tons of make up, and tears shed at night on the intimacy of my dark room...". She is nearly done, gotta stay brave Luc'. She takes a deep breath, loosing herself on Chris' ocean blue eyes, only seeing understanding with a side of hot anger against David into them. It's gonna be alright. "At the end of our fourth year, after finals, we were invited to a party and he dragged me there because I didn't want to go. I had an early flight the day after and I just wanted to relax after all the stress of the past weeks. And this night he drank a little too much and when he decided to exit the party, I knew he had plans for me and I didn't do anything to stop him... He raped me so many times this night, beating the shit out of me so much that I couldn't feel my body anymore. He had managed to broke me. And when the sun had risen, he dumped my abused body in a corner of a dark street. Campus police found me and made me do a statement on David. At first, I hadn't wanted to but they convinced me that what he did to me was so wrong in so many levels... So I gave them what they wanted. I went to the hospital, I was suffering of multiple contusions, a bunch of broken bones and a lot of scraps everywhere. That, I had handled, but when the nurse told me about the fact that David's raping made me enable to procreate... I broke down...". Tears are coming back full force and she really has to control them, she has to be strong! "And this afternoon I saw him again, he wasn't charge of anything after what he did to me, and it just triggered the nightmare... I let him do that to me, I let him took everything from me. I offered him my body for him to destroy! Chris, I fucking let him ruin me! I was so weak back then, so naïve and he took advantage of it but I didn't do a fucking thing for him to stop, I agreed when he used my body and I kept it for myself because I thought that I deserved what he did to me... I'm such a wreck...". And the tears are spilling out of her eyes, big, ugly tears, rolling over her face and Chris, oh Chris, just pressed her further on his chest, like he is trying to shield her and that makes her cry harder, because she doesn't deserve him, his kindness and his affection... "You deserves the best things, Sweetheart, it wasn't your fault. He was a narcissistic perverse and he took advantage of you, don't you forget that" he says, deeply and loving, "And you're the strongest person I've ever known , ok? don't doubt that. You went through hell and you walked out of it like a warrior, you're a survivor and don't let anyone tell you otherwise". She is so tired now, exhausted, drained of all her energy. Her eyes are heavy and she feels so safe right here with her Chris... "Don't you worry Lucie, I'll take care of you, because you deserve so much darling... You deserve to be loved, and maybe I can do that...". That's the last thing she hears before she fells in a profound sleep, heart blossoming in her chest. Maybe Chris can repels the spell that David had cast on her... Maybe she can open her heart to him... Maybe...

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