The Cost of Falling

Chapter 19

The gym was stuffy in the late June heat. The seniors sat on risers along the inside wall, so we only got to see distant glimpses of hair blowing in a warm summer breeze that slipped in from the propped back doors. I had already outgrown this once comforting place. I wondered if that was the point of a commencement ceremony, lulling people out with tedium. If that was the goal, they nailed it in Willsden.

I searched the crowd for familiar faces. My parents were chatting with the Sommers. A few rows in front of them, the Bennis family sat. Mr. Bennis was attempting to keep Sammy from what looked to be an epic meltdown. I didn't bother to fight my smile. As frustrating as it was for his parents, I welcomed Sammy's emotion, wishing I could have a meltdown myself.

The dullness of the programming seemed to drag on endlessly. Teachers and administrators giving the same empty calls for greatness they gave each year, with students pretending the same revelations on growing up and growing out were a profound discovery only they could comprehend. My joints tingled with the desire to bolt from the scene. I was confident Sammy would join me, escaping to the playground down the hill. Sammy had more thoughtful ideas on growing up than anyone in the room. I was so enamored with my daydream that I didn't notice when the march began. I feigned wiping tears from my face as though melancholy contemplation of the closing chapter had distracted me.

My classmates and I trudged along as Principal Meyers read out names one by one, each as familiar as my own. I cheered when I heard Sarah's name and laughed, hearing Sammy's whoop above the polite claps. I heard him again when I accepted my diploma. When Jacob's name came, there was a noticeable silence from Sammy. Although no one got the round of applause that Robbie Zimmerman received. I suspected it was because he was last, and the applause expected the whole thing being done.

As I marched out the backdoors towards the parking lot with my classmates, I calculated how long until I'd be back in my air-conditioned basement, putting on shorts. There was the photo on the football field bleachers where I had first met Sarah. Then the obligatory lingering in the parking lot chatting with classmates, parents, and teachers. Then six minutes home. By my calculations, it would be thirty-nine minutes until I was in my room.

I entered my room thirty-eight minutes later and ripped off the cheap plastic-feeling robe. I flopped to my bed with a sigh, exhausted from the entire day already with all of Project Grad ahead of me. It was just another night with Sarah; I soothed to myself. Everyone around me would be in a constant state of reminiscing over all the comfort they'd never have again. My face would grow tired from keeping my mournful expression in check, but I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wouldn't miss the lunchroom pod, or the excessively greasy cafeteria pizza, or the squeak of the lock on my locker followed by the clang of its door as it popped open. I was looking forward to college and getting to focus my studies on topics that interested me. Plus, in New Hampshire, I'd be one hour from Conner in Massachusetts and Danny in Maine. I'd miss Sarah. New York City was not far, but was a world away compared to an hour. Still, I was confident we'd always stay close.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, my mom bustled into my room, recommending a sweater in case part of the evening was outside. She apologized for the startle before hustling out again. I pulled myself from the bed the same way I landed on it with a gigantic sigh and threw on a pair of jeans before grabbing Danny's sweatshirt on my way out the door. I flopped it over my shoulder, unable to avoid the rush of his scent and miss him, wishing I were spending the evening with him. A small group, Conner, Danny, Sarah, Sean, and me, would be so much more fun. But this was one of those milestones that you attend. It's like prom; as much as everyone despises it, no one wants to regret not going either. Although I'd never regret time with Danny or Conner.