The Cost of Falling

Chapter 25

Work felt like a relief. There's something effortless about getting lost in repetition. In the relaxed moments, I watched the entire world move outside the picture window of the cafe. People scattering here and there, cars whirling by. I thought of Jacob; everything with him was expected and orderly, like a laundry detergent commercial. But life wasn't vibrant and clean; it was marred and dirty. Everything worth loving had an asterisk. The world was moving, but I could be still and breathe for just a few moments. I drew out closing the café, even letting a few last-minute patrons sneak in after close. I cleaned, restocked, and moved all the tables and chairs as I swept. I then took a long way home.

I didn't want to go inside yet, so I sat by the pool enjoying the sun. My phone rang again; Sarah had been calling me all day. I felt guilty, but wasn't ready to talk. I barely looked at the phone but snatched it up when I saw it was Conner.

"Hey."

"Hey," his voice was comforting. "I heard you've had a rough couple of days."

"It's been a banner week for Emma. Did you talk to Danny?" I winced, regretting asking about him so quickly, but Conner didn't seem to miss a beat.

"Just for a few minutes last night."

"He's not in love with me but won't admit it." Defeat filled my voice as tears pooled in my eyes.

To my surprise, Conner let out a laugh. "Em, he's in love with you. He doesn't think he's good enough."

"Good enough? Why wouldn't he be good enough?" I fell back to the lounger.

"That's a mystery that's locked in Danny's head. I think it has something to do with your amazing ex." He was joking, but I knew there was a part of the sentiment that was right.

"Conner, are you ok? I'm sorry about all of this." He was calling to check in on me after I broke his heart.

"Em, I knew what I was signing up for with you. Honestly, I would do it all over again too." He paused for a moment, as though mulling the idea. "Hey, I called to tell you to talk to Sarah. She is going out of her mind and driving Sean there alongside her. You know that means it's only a matter of time before they drag me down."

"I know, I just...."

Conner cut me off. "I know she gave me the whole rundown. Sarah feels like shit. She didn't think you were in love with him. She thought it was just a crush."

"Oh, how much better my life would be with a crush." We both let out a small laugh. "I'll call her tomorrow. I need to see if anyone is still interested in the Forth of July bar-b-que next week."

"Well, I'm in. Did you ask Danny about the chicken?"

"It hasn't come up yet," I teased a bit.

"I guess that makes sense. But seriously, I've had a week too, and I could use some chicken."

"I will ask him, I promise," I smiled.

It was nice to hear the lightness of Conner's tone, how he pivoted to the friend I needed, even if it was savagely unkind.

"Thanks, Conner. I love you." It slipped out so quickly it shocked me.

"Love you too, Em." His response was so casual. That's where we were now; chicken and I-love-you.

Danny would come that night. I was confident I could take the time and make things right. I watched the sky turn black, and the stars break through the velvety sky from my lounger. So small, I thought to myself. Everything was small; each breath, each touch, each promise. We were all small and easy to break.