The Cost of Falling

Chapter 20

Like most of the class, Sarah passed out as soon as she hit her bus seat on the way home. But I was wired; my mind spun between Danny and Conner. Just friends Danny; I tried to remember why that was a good idea. He ruined everything. He didn't want to lose me, but he was losing me to Conner. Everything had happened so fast with Conner; one minute, I couldn't stand him; the next, I couldn't stand to be apart from him. It was one night; I told myself. It probably meant nothing to him. Conner's mind had also drifted to Danny in his moment of clarity, and he had responded that Danny couldn't know. To Conner, we were a mistake to hide. Just like Danny, Conner would inevitably push me away as well.

"Emma," there was no sleepiness in Sarah's tone; she must have been awake for a while. "I know you don't want to talk, but if you change your mind, I'll just listen."

I let out a sigh and leaned my head on her shoulder. "Sarah, I love you, but you could never just listen." But I needed to let it out. After a pause, I continued, "he said 'we can't tell Danny.'"

"What? When?" The annoyance in Sarah's tone was slipping to anger.

"Conner, that was the pillow talk. I'm a secret." My words came devoid of emotion. I was empty. I had thought of it too much, and all feeling escaped me.

"Boys," Sarah muttered.

"I don't understand. Sometimes both act like I am this important person to them, and then the next moment they're embarrassed by me or something." I wasn't talking to Sarah anymore; I was just talking out loud.

"Emma, they both have a thing for you. They don't want to tell each other." Sarah let out another big breath to calm her annoyance. "I just assumed that if you picked, it would be done, and they would deal with it, not just continue to hide everything from each other."

"I didn't pick," confusion clouded me. I didn't pick; I never had a choice.

"But Conner. I mean, you picked Conner, right?"

Sarah was trying to twist to see my face, but I shifted to avoid her gaze. I hadn't picked; I allowed Conner in. Danny never tried. Afraid of the answer to the obvious question, I avoided whom I would have chosen.

"They didn't give me a choice. Danny made his intentions clear. He doesn't think of me that way. We're friends. Conner is the one that likes me." Again, I wasn't convincing Sarah; I was convincing myself.

"You know that's not true. I mean, yes, Conner likes you. But Danny doesn't want to be friends with you. If you need proof, tell him about you and Conner. I mean, with the three of you, the secret is going to get out fast. There's only so much room in that bed of yours."

My mind worked through the thought. Danny hadn't come to me last night; did he know?

Another hefty heave came from Sarah's chest. "Emma, you need to choose. It is not fair to Conner if he is just a warm body, and it isn't fair to Danny if you are leaving him on a hook."

I didn't enjoy the way Sarah put it, but it was true. It wasn't even that I had to choose; I had to figure out how I felt about both. Things were safe and comfortable with Conner. He'd always be there to protect me and be strong, but that was the same reason I had been with Jacob for so long. Danny was different; he made me feel strong and a little dangerous. But he didn't want me. I reminded myself that it was not an 'or'; it was a do you want to be with Conner.

Wrung out from all the thoughts, I went straight to bed when I got home. It relieved me to sleep the day away with no one questioning me. My mind was too tired to dream, or if I had, I was too tired to remember. Even so, I woke up with the flash of the red balloon and a plan. I picked up my phone and, without thinking, dialed.