Colourless

Chapter 30

The man, he-.

The wood brown hairs.

The twinkling green eyes.

The smile, eyes crinkled at the corner. The same nose, sharp and thin.

The same shade of pale skin.

Nana and mom have always looked opposite, if it weren't for the similar behaviour and mannerism no one would have guessed they were related.

But she always said that mom was a photocopy of Nanu. Every feature was the same.

And now, looking at this man, standing with Nana, hands enclosed together as the shopped for flowers I can't help but draw to a jarring conclusion.

My mother has never seen her dad, he passed away when she was barely two. Every photo was removed from the house, every memory whipped clean. She didn't even have a photo with her.

She never felt the warmth of his hug, never got to hold his hands, and learn to crawl.

I remember her dry tears whenever we naively asked her about Nanu.

" Mom where is Nanu, why isn't he here with Nana" I remember the pained look in her eyes as if someone was twisting a knife long impaled in her heart.

She never expressed her sadness though. But the way she talked about him as if imagining him standing there with her, it expressed the deep longing in her heart.

Tears stung my eyes before falling down in a river. My hands shook and my legs felt unsteady as if any moment and I will fall into the endless abyss of sorrow.

How can it be, after so many years? When we thought he was dead. But it can't be, I can't bring myself to accept the truth before my eyes.

The wood brown hairs.

The twinkling green eyes.

The smile, eyes crinkled at the corner. The same nose, sharp and thin.

The same shade of pale skin.

He-, he is him. He is, how-, why. My heart ached as if someone has caved open a black hole in my chest that was slowly swallowing all my emotions leaving just one thing behind. Just longing and sadness.

After standing there for an eternity with my limbs lifeless I slowly started to come to conscious. I slowly took a step, just a drag of my feet, then another. My eyes concentrated on the old happy couple, holding each other close to their heart as they shopped for lilies. Everything around me faded to a blur the crowd, the people, the shops everything turned to dust as I looked at them.

Emotions were flooding my throat, preventing me from speaking, and not letting me swallow my tears.

Invisible tears that my soul is crying.

I took another small step and suddenly it all became real. They were there, my Nanna and Nanu. Just a little away from my reach. And suddenly the distance felt too much, I took a heavy step and pushed through it all, running to them as if they will disappear any second.

I ran to them, pushing the people aside as I manoeuvred my way to my goal. With every step they came closer, and closer till I was standing behind them. They were lost in their own bubble, oblivious to the desperate girl standing beside them.

"a-, I cleared my through, my voice feeling heavy and small at the same time " Are-, you my Nanu" I sounded just like a small child, trembling and desperate for an answer.

They turned around slowly, their smile slipping off their faces as they looked at who had uttered the words.

He looked so much like mom, so much.

" Are you my Nanu" I asked again, my breathing grew heavier with each word till it felt like I will collapse any second. He didn't say anything, he just looked at me as I looked at him.

The sudden possibility that he may not recognize me, that he may not even know who I am felt like lead in my lungs as more tears fell in hopelessness.

I waited, hands trembling, lungs burning and eyes telling a sad tale of heartache.

It felt like it happened in slow motion, he raised his arms, looking at me.

And then it happened, he pulled me in his arms and hugged me close to his chest, just like mom could never experience. I wrapped my arms around him, clutching him tightly as if I will never let go.

And I won't.

Droplets of water fell on my head, soaking through my hair and we both trembled in each other's embrace.

His embrace felt like home.