A Million Roads to Nowhere

Lost and Found

As with most things, the more you do them, the easier they get. As such, the next time Patrick is on the Waxwing, he's gotten a fair set of sea legs, although he doesn't enjoy being out on the open ocean the way Brynjar does.

The first night back on the sea is the night the nightmares start up again. He wakes up in a shaking panic, drawn out of a dream he can't quite remember. He remembers blood and the feel of flesh parting under the blade of his sword, but he can't remember what was happening, who he was fighting. He thinks of Harrison whispering in his ear before thrusting his sword through his belly, Lena cuddling into his side with a murmur of, "Good night."

Aodhan is next to him and he tries not to wake him as he slides out of bed, but he knows it was to no avail when he feels a hand brush against his knee. In his frazzled state, he's too out of it to appreciate it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just need to uh- um. I'll be um, back."

He whisks himself out of the room and stumbles his way to the edge of the ship. He rests his arms on the wooden frame and leans out, cool, salty air filling his lungs and clearing his head. The waves sloshing against the edge of the ship make for a soothing sound. Though his heart rate has slowed down and the panic has subsided, he stays out by the railing until Aodhan comes to get him, gently grabbing him by the arm to lead him to their cabin.

"I'm all right now," Patrick assures.

Aodhan kisses his temple, coaxing him back into bed. Aodhan's arms encircle him and Patrick hesitantly rests his head on his chest, shivering at the feel of fingers stroking his back. This is different than anything he's had before and he's uncertain when it started- how it started.

"I've got you," Aodhan whispers into his hair.

The words make it hard to breathe and Patrick has to take a slow, shaky breath to steady himself. It's not exactly a bad feeling, but it's indescribable. Just as he drifts off, he realizes what this feeling is- safety. He feels safe again.

He feels safe then, but the nightmares don't stop. They happen sporadically, not every night, but they always leave him unsettled. Sometimes it's vultures, where the birds are picking at his skin until blood runs down in rivulets. Sometimes the dreams start nice. He and Lena enjoy each other's company until she inevitably turns to gold before his eyes. Sometimes he's lost and he's looking for Lena or Aodhan or Lady Clementine or William, sometimes even Brynjar or Signe or Isla or Aithne. Once it was Alistair- that one was less distressing and more weird. He can hear their voices, if it's one of those dreams, but he's never able to find them. Sometimes he's hurting faceless people, blood dripping off the point of his sword. Sometimes he's wandering lost in the Below or staring into the pale eyes of the god monster.

Other less frequent times, he doesn't dream of anything horrifying. Sometimes Ivo leads him through a darkened landscape, chirping like a bird and glowing like a firefly. Sometimes he has full conversations with Lady Clementine while walking through a field of snow. Those ones feel so real that he wonders if she has them, too, but she never mentions them if she does. Once, he has a dream where he's walking on a beach with William. In it, they laugh together and everything is fine. Once, he has a dream where Aodhan kisses him and he wakes up flustered and has to leave the bed lest Aodhan wake up and find him in such a state.

The dreams swirl around in his mind while he sleeps and if it were up to him, he wouldn't dream at all. He has too much to analyze in his waking days and he'd rather not have the extra food for thought.

The only good thing about being at sea the second time is he finally gets to see a whale (technically just part of its back and tail) and discovers they're far bigger than he has ever envisioned. They're not as big as dragons, but they are just as cool.