He's No Stranger

Chapter Twelve

Important authors note at the end.

You may proceed now. 😊
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They say you have to live your best life, the critics of this word; people. I see many people change who they really are just to feel appreciated. But I wonder, is that they right way for us? Is that the right way for me?

Should we all just be as everyone says we should? Should we follow the role of everyone today? The, I don't give a shits ass about what other people have to say. For give my language. It's not everyday I swear but I think it is okay to be yourself right? 

I mean there would always be the set of cement headed people who would be quick to judge you but it comes down to this; you are you and only you . You have got to do what you've got to do. Some may even say to get out of your comfort zone but I want to know this one question. Why can't I?

Why can't I just accept the fact that I'm hurt. Why is it affecting me?

Why me?

I feel as though the things I've encountered has had its toll on me. I know that much.

Why can't I just say something about it? Sometimes I feel so caught in these thoughts that I can't even focus. I'm truly sorry for the people out there in this world who have been through worst.

I want to be strong as my mother. To see how she copes with all that she has been through is truly the only thing that keeps me going. I'm guessing all that therapy she and I had gone to had helped her but why not me?

Is something wrong with me?

For the past two months these have been my thoughts: It started a few days after my meltdown at the Stevenson's. When Jonah almost found out about my problems. It just triggered something and that something never left.

I am going to be frank about this, the only thing I can be frank about. I was scared and I am scared.

I was scared of what he would think. What if he found out and decided that he didn't want to talk to me anymore or have nothing to do with me.

What if everyone found out? Would I still fit in —fit in with my small circle of friends.

My therapist once asked me this question . "Do you think you might be scared of the effect it might have on you after people have found out about the problems?"

My answer to that question is yes. I am scared, scared for myself and scared of how people might threat me because for once in my life I feel like I need to try, try to make more out of my life.

I finally have people who I can call my friends. People that was once new to me . Friends that thinks I'm actually 'pretty cool'. That's cool. I was okay with them not fully knowing of the person that I am ..how different and messed up I am.

But this has got to stop. I have been moping around for so long. I completely shut myself out from everyone. It has been two whole frigging  months. Those months were spent distancing myself from the people who I feel may want to get to know me a bit more. Especially Jonah. It was spent dodging from people, questions asked about my life back at the place I once called home and I don't want people to ask that. I wanted a fresh start but I felt as though it was all catching up with me. I wanted to meet knew people, get to know them and for them to know me but I didn't realise that, that involved people asking questions about my life. Some asking if I missed home or how was it back at my previous home. I

For starters, that did not at all feel like home but I was greatful to have my mom with me. We had each other.

I mean that all brought back memories that I was trying so desperately to forget, but if it's one thing that I've learnt from my friend Bella is that, "Ain't no time to mope, get up and bang this bitch called world."