Impenetrable Heart | The Oneshot Collection

Off My Mind

     A/N- So, I'm doing a request again! I really loved this request idea. This story takes place within the main book, in the chapter Fight, Then Write.

Request was by Archive's @DaneyGibson. Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy!

Also! There's a song that really encapsulates this (I thought). It's called Fear of the Water by SYML. Look up the lyrics if you need to, it's a lot. Lines like:

If this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much?
And if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?
A knock at my door
I thought I was alone
Unaware of what I thought I needed
I drop like a stone

and

So hold my body
Yeah, hold my breath
See your face when I black out
I'm never coming back

It relates a lot in my opinion, but that might just be the musician in me. 

...

**TW TW TW!**

This chapter includes an accidental overdose, and some details of needles, in case you're sensitive to that I would recommend skipping over for the sake of yourself <3. 

     ...

     John froze in place, feeling his heart jump out of his chest.

     Of course, Alex is here, he thought, panicked. And of course, Laf would be the one to invite him!

     Both Laf and Alex turned from their places on the couch, while John held his breath, trying to hide whatever feelings were bubbling up from his chest.

     "Oh, hey Alex," he said, trying to seem nonchalant. Thankfully Alex didn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.

     "Hi," he waved.

     "I don't, mon ami, why?" Laf asked.

     John had come out to the living area to see if Laf had any extra Tylenol, as his head was threatening to pound out of his skill. He frowned.

     "Uh, just saw we were out, s'all," he said, then quickly retreated downstairs.

     He didn't leave room for any more conversation as he turned the last corner at the bottom of the stairway, his breath still stuck helplessly in his throat. Why was he acting like this? He sees Alex- then makes a total fool of himself.

     Guess that's what he gets for having feelings in the first place.

     He sat down on his bed with a deep sigh, trying to calm himself down. His hands were beginning to tremble slightly. He brought them together, exhaling shakily, knowing very well there was only one thing on his mind that wasn't Alexander. The same thing that was always on his mind.

     "Not with him here," he tried reasoning with himself. "If he finds out..."

     He stood up again and began pacing nervously. He hardly got like this, and if he did he never let it last long. Years and years of burying your emotions, you begin to lose the ability to control them in a normal manner, and that's exactly what was happening to John.

     He was losing control.

     Call him a freak, some sort of maniac, but it was something that kept him grounded, knowing that he could wrangle in his emotions whenever he felt like it and disconnect from everything was like a twisted comfort of his. And this was one of those moments. He paced the room a few more times before finally giving in. He got on his hands and knees and pulled out a small bright blue bag from under his bed, but stopped for a moment to look at it. He hadn't dared to use it in so long out of fear Laf or Herc would find out, was he going to chance it now? He frowned and pulled it the rest of the way out, throwing it over his shoulder.