The green eyes I wanted to find

Chapter 7

1pm. At last. I grabbed my coat and my scarf and left my office quickly.

I spotted Guy down in the entrance hall at once. He was walking in circles, hands buried in his pockets, head down. Before I eventually came towards him, I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Then I put my hand on his left shoulder.

"Guy, ehrm, hello."

He winced lightly and turned around, a small smile on his lips.

"Hi, how are you doing? Could we maybe...walk a bit?"

I agreed and so we went outside, awkwardly silencing for at least three minutes. While we were walking down the street, I secretly stole glances at him. He looked down to the ground, biting his tongue thoughtfully and fisted his hands in the pockets of his dark-blue jacket.

I broke the silence in my unpatience.

"So what exactly is the reason for our meeting? I really have no idea, well...partially none."

He cleared his throat.

"Well...you might've guessed it already, I wanted to talk about the night, the thing is... Would you mind sitting down here?" He pointed to a bench on our right. We sat down and he went on with his monologue. So I was assured in my assumption, but what was going to be next? I shivered in anxiety.

"The thing is...you might've also guessed that it was just the usual cliché, having kind of a one-night-stand due to being drunk and 'liking each other in a drunk state' and whatnot. But... I have to admit, I wasn't drunk. Or, well, I have had some glasses of wine but that didn't really affect me, you know, I'm Scottish, I'm used to it, haha." He laughed nervously. "I wasn't drunk enough to be not able to notice what I was doing. You didn't seem to be, either. Probably I was, in the moment I kissed you, sort of drunk by the view of you dancing, in my arms, I... You maybe haven't wasted a thought of it, but since I first met you at the Bakery I've always felt that fluttering in my stomach when you were around. I haven't been jealous of Jonny, though. Every time you kissed in front of me, I tried to convince myself that my feelings for you were just platonic or not even there. I tried to stop myself from thinking of you, I told myself that you were in an awesome relationship with one of my best friends who I didn't want to hurt either. I am happy for both you and Jon, you are such a cute and perfect couple. But feelings were too strong, you know. This evening, I've seen you standing around so lonely, you were as beautiful as always, I first wanted to ask you for a dance as a friend, no unnecessary intimate contact, just dancing. But your face so little away from mine did, you know, somehow disturb my innocent resolutions and I needed to kiss you. I actually risked being slapped or whatever from you because I really wasn't sure what your reaction would be like. But in this moment I just acted without thinking of my risks and when you kissed me back, I was obviously overwhelmed. And then, well, things happened... But as you might assume, I still have feelings for you. And they're increasing, you know, because I'm hoping you have some for me, too, because you kissed me back and stuff..." He bit his bottom lip and stared on the ground uncomfortably.

His words were swirling around in my head. I have dealt with the possibility that he would tell me something like that, but now when it really happened, I couldn't believe it. Of course, this explanation of his was cute and really heartfelt, probably I would have even answered, 'I love you too', or something like that, but only if I had been single and not in a relationship with the love of my life. But why on earth had he feelings for me? He had a girlfriend. I was so uncomfortable in this situation. I didn't love him, I liked him as a friend but not as a lover. I didn't have any feelings for him. It might haven't seemed so to him, but that previous night I have been very drunk. At least drunk enough for doing something I regretted deeply. It was not that I hated him but this incident would endanger my relationship terribly, I felt it somewhere.

I didn't know what to answer, I couldn't shout at him since I also caused this incident, it wasn't all his fault entirely.

"Guy, I..." I struggled while I tried to put all this in words, easy to understand and not hurting. "I was really drunk this evening. I didn't notice what I was doing. I probably hurt you badly now when I tell you this. But I was completely unpredictable that night, and, I'm sorry to tell you but, now as I'm conscious and everything, I'd act different. Don't misunderstand this, please, I do like you, you're a great friend, but well, just a friend and not a boyfriend. If the circumstances were different, I would also be able to imagine something more between us. But not under these... I mean, I have a beloved boyfriend, you're in a relationship as well..." I stopped and searched his eyes.

He shifted around on the bench and his whole body was tense, his voice harsh when he answered.

"Not any more. Keshia and I split three weeks ago. I was pretty depressed; we both made mistakes and slowly they became so huge that we couldn't handle them anymore. You brought some light in my life again. I know, what I did wasn't right, and I definitely don't want to damage your great relationship by that. I'm so sorry."

His eyes filled with tears and he bit his bottom lip. Oh no. I didn't know about that. I came closer to him.

"Guy, I'm so sorry, I didn't know!", I whispered seriously ashamed. He cleared his throat again and got up.

"You couldn't know, don't be sorry. I had a great time with you, though. As you said, if circumstances were better, there could be more between us. But now I don't want to make another person as unhappy as I made myself. I hope we can stay friends and somehow overcome what happened between us. You're an amazing friend, too. I hope Jonny won't find out because I don't want to lose his friendship either, I'll say it again, I'm really sorry and I know I shouldn't have done it."

I was very puzzled by his strange speech, but I also got up.

"I have to go now, rehearse at the Bakery, you know", he explained. His eyes were really dead and he looked so sad.

I nodded. I was so sorry for him. It was at least half me who caused this to him and I wished I could turn it back. But there was no point in it.

As he then suddenly leaned in, his mouth only inches away from mine, to get sort of a goodbye kiss, all my mercy was somehow gone, I just felt angry. I turned away last minute and hissed at him: "Guy, can you please bloody stop it? We're now just where we were two days ago! I thought we had agreed in only friendship now?!"

He shrugged and quietly uttered, "Sorry. See you." Then he turned and walked down the street.

I was sorry again. But he also couldn't stop, why the hell did he do that again?

Caught in my thoughts, I went back to work but couldn't concentrate really.

When I could finally leave, it had got dark outside and I hurried home. As I went past our house, I saw Jonny sitting at the eating table, his head down and his fingers drawing circles on the table. He looked pretty sad somehow and if he was waiting for something. I sighed. Hopefully it was nothing serious. I wasn't really in the mood for any more bad news.

I unlocked the door, took off my coat and my shoes and entered the kitchen.

"Hey Jon, everything okay?", I greeted him and smiled trying to give him a better mood.

He looked up and I was shocked by how sad and depressed his face seemed. His eyes weren't bright at all and he looked broken.

Then I noticed something laying on the table that I hadn't seen before:

It was a red-white striped sock.