The green eyes I wanted to find

Chapter 8

Why the hell was a sock laying on our kitchen table? I didn't get to think about this fact as Jonny began to speak.

"I think we need to talk. Could you take a seat, please?" His voice sounded cold and broken though he was as polite as always. I did what he said without moving my eyes from him. I was not sure what exactly he wanted to talk about with me and neither which part the sock played in it, but a dark spark in my inside told me it was nothing positive. He went on.

"This", he pointed to the sock, "is what I found in your laundry bag when I unpacked it this morning. And this", he pulled out his mobile and showed me a picture, "is how Guy came to the Bakery today." He zoomed to Guy's feet and then I saw it. It was the same picture I've been looking at today on Facebook where Guy was wearing the two different socks. He found out.

"So now, what I want to ask you is: how did Guy's sock now find its way into your laundry bag? And what does connect your 'headache', your nightmares and bad mood in general to it?" His voice hinted me that there was no use in lying to him.

"Okay. I'll explain everything. But please, believe me, I'll only tell the truth and please, let me speak." He didn't react, he just stared at me in unpatience.

"It was at the after-show party in Munich. You went to bed earlier, and I stayed at the party with Guy and we talked and drank some wine. Later, some music had been put up and he asked me whether I wanted to dance. I agreed because I wanted to be polite and I thought he also wanted to be. I had had four glasses of wine at the time and uncountable sums of champagne, too. So we danced. And then he suddenly pushed me out of the door. And then...you know..." I stopped. Jonny was still staring at me in disbelief, he nodded at me.

"No, I don't know, go on please."

"Well... He suddenly kissed me. And I, in my drunk state, I responded. And then we went...up to his room. And that's where I woke up the next morning at, I guess, it was around 5pm and I remembered everything and I left his room immediately and went to ours. I was so terribly shocked about what I was able to do when I was drunk and I found myself so disgusting, I still do. I..." My eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry."

Jonny has been listening to my explanation completely quietly. He cleared his throat.

"So... You had sort of an one-night-stand with Guy. That is understandable, he's attractive, charming, assumingly good in bed, well, why not? The thing is: I would have never ever exspected that from you. Love is such an overtaking feeling, especially if you love a person so strong as you apparently did love me. This strong feeling should yet be remembered while you're drunk. It should be stronger than alcohol. I had never doubted your love. But now, I'm not sure about it anymore as alcohol already lets you forget to whom you're actually 'dedicated'." He paused and looked me into the eyes. His weren't green at all anymore, they were sort of grey and piercing, yet unbelievably sad.

"Jonny, I have never stopped loving you, you must believe me. I don't know what exactly overtook me in this moment. I have thought about my reaction so many times since then and I'm sure if I weren't drunk, I would've never acted like I did. I met Guy today in my break, we wanted to talk about it. He said it was mostly all because of Keshia, she broke his heart and he...he sort of fell in love with me." Jonny winced.

"But I told him there was no point in being because I love you." I looked at him and tried to touch his hand assuringly.

"No, don't touch me. Don't you know how hard your little incident will affect the band? I won't be able to talk to Guy normally anymore, the first time I'll see him I can choose from either turning around straight facing the wall and going home or beating him to the hospital. How shall we possibly finish recording our new album? How shall I concentrate on my job and on songs which are all about love when my own love life is completely fucked?" Jonny was getting louder. "Another thing which hurts me terribly is you lied to me. Trust is important, that's what we both considered at the beginning of our relationship. And now we're at the point where we were when we came together. I thought, this time it would be serious. I have never had as strong feelings for anyone as for you. I was convinced that you were someone special...with whom...I could spend the rest of my life." He swallowed. "But obviously, we all make mistakes. Mine was to trust you. Fuck! Guy is such an asshole as well!" He got up and furiously walked around in the kitchen. While he was speaking, tears came out of my eyes, rolled down my cheeks and fell on the table. I cursed inside my head, I still couldn't believe what I had done. Everything Jonny has said was so completely true.

A clanking sound let me wince. "Jonny!" He had thrown a glass to the floor which got damaged immediately and little pieces of it were now laying everywhere.

He stood next to the sink and held his face with his hands. His shoulders quivered and I heard him sob.

"Jonny!" I quickly came towards him and hugged him. But this time he didn't move away and just let me hold him. We cried together. As he had calmed down eventually, he bowed down and started to collect the shards from the ground. He did that silencing, then he got up and threw them in the dust bin.

"Ehrm... I'm sorry for that, for all my aggressions. But I'll have to think about all this first...and alone. It might be better for both of us if we live separated for a bit...", he uttered, his eyes locked with mine. "I don't mean a complete separation by that now but it might help us to deal with this situation. I can't at least go on living completely normal now after this."

I just nodded.

In short time, I had packed my bags and left the house like in trance. I only remembered Jonny watched me from the living room window until I was out of his view.

When I had left the street I eventually realized that I actually had nowhere to go now. I didn't want to go to any of my friends because it was 10:30pm and they were probably all asleep yet. The only thing I could think of first now was my office in which I had a couch. So I unlocked the back door of the huge building and tried to avoid any alarms and finally reached my office. When I was laying on the couch then, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I had ruined everything. I was such a failure. I have always been the one whose heart has been broken. Now I was the one who broke a heart. The heart which was the most important one to me in the world.