I MEAN IT

chapter 8

"August? What are you doing here? Did you know I live here? Are you looking for me or are you somehow lost? "

I ask confusedly but he just looks at me as if my soul is finally goat shaped and has windows of silver. This door better close it's eyes right now because I am about to embarrass myself giving off frenzied awkward gestures.

"Come take a walk with me." He says and I look around to see whether he has a car or a bike or skates. None.

"Whaa-at?"  I drag my words nervously and pinch my ears softly. "Why?"

"How hard is it to walk in the middle of life? " He gives me a wan smile and I keep my words down my throat. Did he just smile?

In seconds of thinking which poet in history to quote, I hear a heavy thud from where Willy is sat,then a terrifying loud shriek. Oh my sainted pants! This is it.
I ran past Mershy and grab him carefully from the floor and Pat his back continuously hoping to make his boohoos stop.

"I'm sorry August, maybe another day... " I say walking to the door now bawling so that I am audible enough but when I get there he's gone and Brian waltzs in with the same look on his face. The look of I'm here for maths, you ready?

"Who was that guy looking for? He looked a bit so serious."  He asks trying to hush Willy with soft pecks and I shrug saying that I didn't see nobody It was probably one of Millers friends or whatever.
I lie starkly aware it's lame because telling Brian the truth will only make him jealous and I don't even know why August was here in the first place.
My heart feels bugged by Augusts' departure. He certainly doesn't know how to communicate because people don't just leave like that without a see you later or bye. Maybe he got offended because I rushed to pick Willy up? But that was a rush of adrenaline dude. I couldn't just stand there and talk to him while my brother was in pain.
I finally feel relieved when Willy falls asleep.

" You Look distant." Brian says sniffing on my neck like a dog.
I breathe in large lumps of air and gather a smile then take his lips to assure him that I am with him but in my head I am still wondering why August wanted to take a walk with me. Maybe I'll ask him in school.

~
He is not in class today.
"How hard is it to walk in the middle of life?" I don't understand him an ounce yet it bothers me even when I don't have a clue about anything. Pam too is not in school but her, it's kinda normal. Him, it's the first time.
I'd better look for someone to hang out with today else I'll suffocate in all this thoughts about Last night too when Brian had tried to do something more than what we normally have and I pushed him away saying that I wasn't ready but he walked out on me saying rudely that I was too slow.
It doesn't bother me that much because I don't know his reason and he hasn't talked to me until now. It's too soon for me to judge. Also I don't want to build a wall of conclusions because I am scared it'll fall on me. I am just curious about everything. Why he said I was slow, What other girls do to avoid being slow, why August showed up on my doorstep and left abruptly and why he wasn't in school. I thought I was on the track. I mean, I was taking it slow so that we can atleast have good passionate sex when I am eighteen and in campus free from my mums house because having sex under her roof is a taboo, my grandpa told me and Becky that and it's stuck with me. It's not like I don't want to sleep with him, I think about sex all the time with him on my mind apart from times when August clouds my imagination and I come thinking about him. I can't imagine having sex in my room and screaming out in pain then blood on my sheets. Jesus! My mum would definitely find out and I don't want her to know when I am not a virgin. If Brian is mad at me foreal, then that's just lame.

During lunch, I hesitate on going to the cafeteria. Days I have been there are when I am with Pam. She makes me feel safe and her friends at the table don't say much. They atleast have good table manners.
But today I have to act like I actually have a good social life and sit at any table I'll find space. It's the only way I am going to make friends but I can't promise myself not to freak out. My mind plays tricks on me making me believe that I can do anything and this time it's making me imagine myself as the popular girl whose company is loved by everyone.
I serve my food and pace aimlessly taking slow calculated steps. Almost everyone is settled and chatting with their friends. Holy farts! Am I not the same Becca that hates to be a third wheeler? I feel so tense incase anyone stares my way and makes a rude remark because I'll most definitely lose all colour and turn into a pile of salt. I walk past the table I sit with Pam and there's no space. I wave at them and luckily I see an empty table at the furthest corner. I make attempt to hurry there but someone throws a banana peel at me and shouts, "MERRY CHRISTMAS."