Just like heaven

17 | disintegration

So it's all come back round to breaking apart again
Breaking apart like I'm made up of glass again
Making it up behind my back again
Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
Holding it up behind my head again
Cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
Round and round and round and it's coming apart again
Over and over and over

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[trigger warning: mention of sexual assault/r*pe]

 Laying on Shawn’s arms, her head on his chest and his hands on her long hair, Camila feels herself finally calming down. Hailee left a glass of water for her earlier and said she told Karen that Camila was allergic to some ingredient on the pizza, making her have a bad reaction. Camila smiled at her friend, thanking her silently for not telling her mother what truly happened.

 She feels Shawn’s fingers drawing small patterns on her back, making her whole body relax under his touch. He’s probably wondering why she reacted like that, but he doesn’t ask once. The fact that he knows she’ll tell him when she’s ready means everything to her, but deep down she knows she have to tell someone. Actually, she decided she wants to tell Shawn, which makes her nervous because once she does that, there’s no turning back.

 “ Shawn?” She says looking up at him. “ Remember when you said if I ever wanted to open up, you’d be there to hear me out?”

 “ It’s okay, Mila. You don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not ready.” He says looking into her eyes, making her wonder if he’s even real. How could someone be so caring and understanding?

 “ But, I think I am ready to talk about it.” She says scooting up on the bed so they’re face to face on the pillow. “ At least with you.”

 He doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking at her while his hands goes up and down her arm in a comforting way. She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes before she gets the courage to start speaking.

 “ There was this party on the last week of classes, summer break was about to start, and Lauren insisted I had to go. She told my mom we would have a sleepover at her house, but we actually went to this party a senior was throwing at his house. She was dating Jake at the time, he goes to this other private school in town.” The minute she says his name, she feels her throat closing. It’s like poison on her tongue, it takes all of her to even pronounce those simple syllables, but she forces herself to keep going. “ They’d been dating for a couple of months, but he would always hit on me and a bunch of other girls and Lauren knew that. I guess she didn’t mind it as long as he didn’t actually cheat on her. The comments he made always made me extremely uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to tell Lauren and make her mad, so I’d just pretend I was okay with it.” She could tell by Shawn’s expression that he knew where this was going, so she closed her eyes and felt him place a kiss on the back of her hand before she spoke again. “ I needed to use the bathroom, but it was almost impossible to find one available or one that didn’t have a line of people waiting to use it too. It was a huge house, so I finally found a bedroom with an empty small suite bathroom. Before I left, someone opened the door, and it was Jake. I didn’t think he would do anything to me, but I still tried to leave anyway.” She feels a tear rolling down her face remembering the moment she realized he was indeed about to do something to her. “ But, he wouldn’t let me leave. He…” She felt more tears on her cheeks as she tried to gather courage to say the words. “ He...raped me.”

 Camila feela Shawn’s arms holding her so tight, almost like he was breaking down with her. She couldn’t believe she actually said those words, she had never even said it to herself in her mind yet. Her face is on his chest, her tears falling freely for having to put into words what have been locked up on her mind for months. Shawn doesn’t say anything, he just keeps holding her, which is exactly what she needs in that moment.