Supercasualisticmuffdivinfunkyjunkylovepoems

Suicide Note

What I am going to do most people will not understand. This world is based on people's belief that all life is precious and that there are no mistakes but if you look into the creation of the universe will see that there were some pretty incredible mistakes that led to us all being here and with no proof of the afterlife or lack there of you have to wonder if this was awesome kind of big accident or some perfectly orchestrated experiment.But my theory is it's either some kind of test drive program for perfecting the soul. Or maybe everything is as it appearsAnd we as a species are supposed to advance our technology and travel deeper into the universe and make contact with other lifeforms. The power of the mind over matter has already been proven. But this is the area I struggle with the most. But was my brain malfunctioning like this since birth? I remember being preoccupied or fixated on certain thoughts for days. Kind of like Rain Man. And I remember my thoughts running away almost like my mind was controlled or kidnapped. I was always out of place and New things that other kids didn't. I could see in since people's true intentions and some of their darkest secrets. I also was good at in personating people in their voices. As a kid I was spoiled for the first part of my life because I was the first grandchild. But I was still very kind and loving. It's almost like I was pier and not of this world pier I had a soft spot for people less fortunate that had mental and physical disabilities. I was not cruel to people and try to be as kind and loving to all people. What does eventually got me beat up an outcast and brought me to the conclusion that nice guys finish last. This has left me in a limbo of realizing how the worldIt is but being on the fence of just diving in and becoming of the world going back to my nature of being loving caring and unselfish.
Nature teaches us that these cycles in food chains make it so one thing doesn't work without the balance of the other. The week do not survive this world is becoming out of balance. It is hard to know how badly it is but nobody does. So I'm freaked out going through the 2012 scare in watching this world or the world I knew growing up deteriorate. So I don't know if I'm awake king do you know how the world really is or if the world is really getting worse before my eyes. But this society is fixated on locking people up and not just for being bad guys anymore. They've turned prisons into warehouses. Not to mention people are extremely OK with losing their personal liberties in trade for receiving assistance and protection from the government. There are definitely higher ups pulling the strings yes illuminati or the builder berg groups. Which makes me mad that I cannot control my addiction so I can get off this probation and I can bring my family where we could live off the land and stay clear of this collapsing society. Most people are happy to just blindly follow the rules of society and quietly agree or disagree or with the changes. They look forward to life and look at the day today ups and downs of his challenges that they overcome because there is some greater purpose they serve. But I have lost us or just feel that I can never overcome addiction to beTo be able to serve this purpose. The best I can hope for is somehow fighting this fight that goes on inside. Because like I have found I'm not able to control my addiction long enough to get my life back on track. So what would you do as a 37-year-old white male in a society that shames white males just because the color of their skin. White males.Ones that have owned no slaves been poor beaten by police falsely imprisoned denied loans beaten by their girlfriends and sent to jail because they are a man. White males who are told they have white privilege in male privilege but seem to be at the bottom of the barrelFor having so much privilege.And all these people that she mean tell me it's for equal rights but not seeing just how racist and prejudice they are by putting me into a group of people from which I've never enjoyed the benefits off. So if you were a 37-year-old discriminated upon addict and criminal yes that's right 37-year-old hated ex-con drug and alcohol addicted  father of six kids. What would you do if your child support that was approaching $100,000 and your credit score was the lowest it could be if you were a hated nearly 40-year-old drug addicted convict that was unable to raise his kids due to being locked up for almost 8 years and strung out and homeless for the rest of his adult life how would you continue in life and almost 40 with Hepsie ulcers on top of herniated disc manic depression and anxiety and schizophrenia? How would you plan for life with a felony fugitive warrant and a five year prison sentence hanging over your head with no money to your name having just got kicked out of your sober living house for having said warrant put out on you? Please tell me how you would make this life work out when you are ashamed? Look down upon by all of your family and loved ones. And even though do you have kids a sister and some family they still care for you you know that it's your fault they have to keep getting let down because you can't stop drinking or doing drugs. So your old hockey ass junkie fugitive broke homeless daddy that can't be there hasn't been able to figure out what to do either. Even my music isn't the same my voice isn't the same in my soul cannot even connect to my guitar anymore. That was the one thing that used to bring me home because I figured if I at least contributed something to life for my kidsCould say he was a great musician and he loved us. But with deck on people need to be honest about me and a lot of other people here on earth. We are worthless. If we bring nothing to contribute to life than we are a drain.Now I've done two albums with buckshot and a solo acoustic album as Nico Soul. I have written a manifesto called his animalism and I ran a business called helpful handyman. And roll you're not allowed to start your own business unless it follows every letter of the law. With a terrible credit score and no drivers license or place to live it's damn near impossible to do that. So you have to get a check paying job except you can't work for any city state or government jobs no schools not even a garbageman. You can't work out any hospitals or around any pharmaceuticals or bars. You can't be a firefighter or road worker for the county you can't work at a bank or any financial institutions. None of the companies that handle valuable merchandise will hire you like Amazon Best Buy Menards Lowe's target Walmart and even the warehouse is dead keep these products won't hire you. So where do you work when even McDonald's won't hire you? So you go to the temp services for minimum-wage and they send you to which ever crab factory they have jobs in for a few days and then your job assignment ends so you start somewhere else and that means finding transportation to the new assignment and hoping you make it to one that is first shift because the buses don't run at night. But you have not even seen your paycheck $40 is all you have due to taxes and child-support taking 50%. But when your PO set up mandatory appointments at 10 AM you have to find a way there and back to work. Still they say that the price of freedomBecause you are out on parole. But what they don't tell the public is payroll isn't for good behavior anymore it is a way to get people to do more time for their crimes. When you get sent to prison they now call it bi-facuriated Sentences. This means that if you have a five in and five outs sentence you will do 100% of five years with no possibility of getting out early. And then you start your five years of parole meaning if you do for years 364 days of good behavior and violate your parole he will be sent back to prison for five years. So what would you do if you were a parolee that had been sent back to prison time after time for dirty UAs leaving halfway houses if you were put in cages made of concrete and steel with the worst murderers rapists and child molesters thugs gangbangers in the state? How would you feel as a man if you had been treated like an animal at the pound? If you had seen people beaten stabbed and raped and had to fight to keep Doug from taking your food and clothes what would your view of life be? If you seen society say it's OK to do you mean a person because he is white or a manOr that it's right to put a suffering addict in a cage with a man who has beaten and raped in old lady for $32? Or lost jobs because that company had to hire a certain number of minorities or homosexuals or women but will not hire felons what would you do? How would you live in a society that is OK with women having eight 910 kids with that amount of fathers and never having to work because she gets Housing food stamps and welfare and energy assistance and then when the fathers don't pay the child support they get thrown into jail. The same jail with the murderers and rapists. Yeah the same jail as the man who beat his 11 month old child into the concrete until it was dead and then burn the apartment down on the mother. Living life is a 37-year-old white homeless male hundred thousand dollars in child support that on top of $70,000 of hospital bills with felony fugitive warrant out on them and an addiction leaving within among the dying liver and torn stomach lining isnt so bad. It's not the end of the world just because the list of jobs you can't get is longer than the ones you can. At least I can join the military right and go serve from my country right? Wrong! You are banned from serving in the military due to your felony conviction that I have had since I was 16 years old. So if you were a man that missed your kids growing up unable to serve for your country not having the power to be your addiction and your criminal status and debt. How would you plan your life from this point? I have heard people that have had it much worse than me since birth or with what life throws at them and they struggle on. But the biggest difference in this society is they know those people are struggling and they assume that due to me being a white male I am not struggling. What it adds to my shame that I was born with all of my limbs and was a strong body lil teenager. And people have this false idea that people in my shoes can get some kind of free ride through Social Security. That is not the case. But even if it were I don't want a motherfucking thing from the socialist tax raping big brother bigger government anti-liberty pigs. That's why am asking what would you do? I've left a little parts of me around because life is not promised to us and my Nico Soul album Coop has will tell you more about me than this last fucking primal scream. My cousin Alex killed himself and I miss him a lot. He was one of the good ones that's why they say it's good that die young. But he struggled with addiction and they threw him in jail and we're sending him to prison for a long period of time. Now he could have done the time he was just as strong mentally and physically as me. But what about when he came out we already know the crippling affects a felony conviction will have a man's life. So he took the cowards way out except you better not call my cousin a coward to my face or you will end up missing some teeth. He was an old coward and a man full of courage. It takes courage to face death down without fear and choose to take your own life. So I salute you Cuz and I will see you soon.