Supercasualisticmuffdivinfunkyjunkylovepoems

Wanna wear my kicks?

Living life with an addiction leads you to live life in a very illogical manner. So people tend to look at you like you're stupid when actually it's your chemical imbalance on top of damaged brain cells. People want to believe that we want to be strung out broke locked up instead of just using willpower to get off drugs. Even when you are clean we have this incredible compulsion to use drugs. And you're back to feeling out of tune with the universe. I've been in social situations where all I could think is these people are so connected and in tune with the world. I am not and cannot function on a normal basis. Just handling day-to-day things like cooking cleaning laundry budgeting sleep and transportation. I am horrible at planning all of these things or even knowing when I need those things. So living sober is even more terrifying because I just feel lost all the time. So it's easy to live my life strung out I know how to do that. I know what I need and how to get it. In fact it is crazy how being strung out keeps me motivated. No matter how hard it is to get drugs it seems easy and it's something I get accomplished every day. And it is immediate gratification. And that's what I need as a person. I have never been able to keep building and sweating and working and not knowing if someday in the far future my work will pay off. Otherwise I would've been a lot further in life. But if I were to do that I'd be a landowning gunbuilding fast car driving motherfucker. My best friend Coop Deville told me I can't give up and it would be unfair if I check out and leave him here to deal with the bullshit. He sees so much talent in my music and says that there must be a purpose to us still being alive because we should've been dead. I guess I do agree with him to a certain extent because I've been overdosed and died. And I've been in other situations where I should've been shot and killed or beaten to death ordead from car crashes. Somehow the creator of the universe still want me here. But I wish it would be revealed to me my purpose. Because right now I'm stuck in a rut and lost as to my purpose. Yeah I'm down with that musically but I'm having a huge writers block. And I know that I have my kids but I am still unsure if I have anything to offer them because I don't have a very healthy outlook in life. So I do have some far out and logical reviews that I could impart on the world. Still if I'm going to be locked up then I don't really have a platform to teach them from or any way to stay connected. So that leaves me afraid to follow my dreams because I will never achieve them and my life will be worthless. But as of right now my life is worthless. So if I check out now I'll have people that remember the good times. Sure they're sad at a life cut short sure. But I should be looking at everything like I have nothing to lose no where to go from here but up. Where did I get all this fear and worry? I've lost a lot of freedom and dignity. I've been shamed look down upon. Publicly ridiculed and made to look like public enemy number one and a monster. I felt the humiliation of being a junkie criminal and looked at like I'm a deadbeat dad. I actually relive that pain every day and it has shook my confidence as a man. So I live my life as the quiet giant and stick to myself so nobody sees how insecure I am. That's why I stick close to Coop because he knew me when I was somebody when I went for what I wanted in life and wasn't afraid to lose. So how do I get past this self doubt and loathing? How can I free my mind to realize I am who I am and the only one of my kind? I got to get what i want. Still I have to make this one decision first once in for all to not check out of the race early. That's seriously cannot ever be the solution. I guess feeling depressed and liking to sleep or staying up for days at a time has got me in the mindset that maybe a permanent solution would give me peace. It would be an easy one. But I remember that I will lose out on any chance to make my life the way I want it to be. And my love ones will be left with heartache and pain. My kids are stuck with the fact that their dad was a quitter. And all the times that I told them to never give up will be Noll and void in their mind. It's OK for me to feel like I want to give up but I have to think through it by weighing the pros and cons. The biggest con is it's game over if I do. That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Maybe if I just pull thru these tuff times something better will come along. There has got to be more to life for me than what I've had thus far. It's crazy because everybody I know and love would be missed if they took their own life. But I can't see me making that much of an impact. Why cant I see my value and talents? How come I hold other people higher than I hold myself? And why can I pick out other peoples talents strength and values but not my own? So what should I do with the rest of my life? I know I have to speak my mind and try to rally people. It would be good if I could make new laws and take away all laws that infringe so people in my situation would fare better. I want to use my music to put out a message that We the People run this country not these clowns that are running it into the ground. I need to hammer out my designs and inventions and get some pattens Just in case the bills and laws don't work and We the People have to go a different route. But in the meantime I'd like to build a car that runs on by biodiesel and use alternators to generate electric and solar power. I'd like to get a Corvette and four wheeler and a boat. This is what keeps me focused off drugs and on track. But in the meantime I need something for the head. I need to medicate because my thoughts keep telling me I am worthless. Now I have to find a way to not use even when I'm getting sucked too far down like a magnet to the surface of the sun. Even when I feel entitled to it. But imagine this question why is it so hard to say I will never use drugs or drink again? That should be the easiest decision in the world to make. Or at least to stay clean while I'm on paper. Because I haven't been able to get away with it yet. And the bottom line is I cannot do any more prison time. I cannot do any more prison time.