Ribbons

2.8

"Parker I'm-"

"Don't say you're sorry," I cut you off sharply. I'm tired of apologizes Jane, I want to hear reasons. I want to know why.

"I didn't want to hurt you," you rub your eyes. You look so tired Jane, so tired.

"You didn't," I don't like to lie Jane, but I didn't want to embarrass myself by showing you how much I cared, when you didn't care for me at all.

"What?" Your eyes locked in mine. They looked so sad, and so tired.

"I was hurt in the beginning," I inhale a sharp breath, my heart beating against my chest. "But I realized how much I didn't care. Luke was right about you."

Your face instantly twisted with what looked like fright and terror. Why were you afraid of the sound of Luke's name? "What did he say?"

"He said how you were just a sad, dramatic whore," the words tasted like vinegar, but I couldn't stop the lies. "He was so right Jane. I thought you were different, but you're like all those other girls at school. You never cared about me. You're just a selfish, a selfish-"

I stopped, I couldn't go on. My voice was shaking and my eyes were blurry. It was as if I was holding a gun, and the bullets were my words and I kept shooting you. I kept shooting you and you kept standing there, still with tears running down your face.

I didn't know why I was saying these untrue, terrible things. I guess seeing your face, rose up that anger that I felt before. I wanted to make you feel like I did when you broke me. When you left me and didn't tell me why.

"Luke's right then," you mumbled, your voice carried away with the wind from the trees. "I'm all of those things and more. That's why I broke up with you Parker."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you I didn't want you anymore because I didn't want you to finally see how awful and messes up I truly was. I didn't want you to wake up one day and tell me all the things you're telling me now.

"I know you don't see me the way you used to see me. It was beautiful how you saw me Parker. You looked at me like I was the world and no one has ever looked at me in that way. I didn't deserve you. I'm sorry for wasting your time."

You started to turn and walk away. My hands were shaking and my head was pounding. I felt sick and my stomach was twisted in knots. I wasn't thinking straight and I grabbed your hand and intertwined our fingers. It reminded me of when we held hands for the first time in my car. I know I said all of this fucked up stuff and maybe I shouldn't be holding your hand, but I had to.

"You can't leave again," my voice was hoarse. Tears were flowing down your cheeks and I embraced you in a hug. Your hair smelled like strawberries.

Immediately you pulled away and wiped your tears.

"I'm slowly killing you Parker. I keep doing this to you and I keep hurting you in the end. You have to stop caring for me so you can stop hurting. I'm not forever Parker. I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to explode and I don't want you to be there when I do."

"Don't fucking quote the Fault in Our Stars right now. "

"Parker you expressed how you feel, I'm only making this better for you. You just told me how selfish I am, I'm leaving for you."

"Stop, no."

"I don't want you hurting anymore."

"I didn't mean it."

"Parker don't lie to yourself."

"Jane, I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"Don't leave."

"Goodbye Parker."